Oh Gordon

Okay so Mr Ramsay graced the cobbled street of Buchanan with his lobster soup-smelling leather bound feet, muttering insults and expletives under his breath as his flustered Glasgow fans gathered to watch his somewhat bedraggled face grimacing in concentration as he signed his annual attempt at cashing in on the spendthrift christmas market..what's the big deal?

No I didn't get my book signed. Grrrr.

Fed up?

Sorry I haven't written in so long but Pandora's been a busy girl. So busy in fact, her mind has become somewhat muddled and she has started talking about herself in the third person.

Anyway I shall be blogging tad more often from now on as this blog takes on a more personal angle...am really liking Belle de Jour's blog (tv series is also good but what is UP with Billie Piper's speech? Has anyone else noticed she has suddenly taken on a lisp? 'What I really like to do ish think about thingsh which ish shomewhat hard when one is mounting a client...or whatever) and am wishing I did the whole anonymous thing so I could divulge a little bit more about what is going on in my life but who knows..maybe I do have another anonymous blog that is far more gritty (picture the evil villain twinkle as I say this) on this here blogger..hm maybe not.

Something I'm coming across more and more at the moment is how fed up everyone is. Is anyone else feeling this? People not going out anymore because they can't be bothered, people working in places they hate being in, people barking on about dreams they have for the future but when questioned on how they plan to get there, catatonic tumbleweed style silence ensues. I'm not grumbling because I probably fit in the top percentile of this weary bunch but I'm at least recognising that this is NOT how things should be done. At the risk of sounding like a scary reject from the 'Mr Motivators Cycling shorts Fan Club', I just wish we could all get our arses into gear and get out of this - for want of a better term - FUG. Am I willing to be the leader of this new cult? No. But what I am going to do is lead by example and do the following;

Gym 3 times per week

Swimming one day per week

No food after 8....................bags of chips and curry sauce.

No more wine after first bottle (per hour)

No more bottles after first crate (per day)

Stop dating men I don't like.

Stop having sex on first date (DISCLAIMER: The writer of previous sentence wishes to make it known that by stating said sentence the writer does not wish it to be assumed that she does this on every first date but out of 10 years of solid dating the ratio of 'sex on first date' compared to 'no sex on first date' has increased to a moderate 2 digit number which to others may seem modest but to writer; perturbs.)
Stop thinking nasty thoughts about Bingo-Winged Texans with the personality traits (and same vicious odour) as a large old cow that hasn't been milked in a while and has been left in its field too long

Stop writing personal information about myself on public blogs.

Amongst other things...this list is the start of the me-moi-mono-singular-je-I revolution.

Stand tall, throw your pulling pants away and walk with me on the path of 21st Century Female enlightenment...just don't forget to shave your legs because you just never know do you?

Until next time. x

Gasp... Madonna and Guy Ritchie Divorce!!!

Well well well so its finally come about that Madonna and Guy are divorcing.

After getting over the shock (over the fact that it was front page news not that the fact that the Matriarchal-Uber-Pumped-Up-Bionic-Woman has decided to call it a day with the Boozehound that is Mr Ritchie) I'm still thinking about what attracted the two in the first place!

You know when you go on that first date with someone and there isn't that vibe yet but you give it another chance, you quite like the guy, he's good-looking, talented, funny so you think you should like him, and you see him again, and your friends are saying you look good together and well its got kind of comfortable so you continue seeing him until it ends up you get a house together have 2 kids and 5 years later wonder what the f*** is going on? No? Never done that? Well that's what I think happened in this scenario, the Material girl was too busy with career, adopting Malawaaian (sp?) orphans, botox and looking like Ms Universe to realise what was staring her in the face...a nasty case of clocktickingspermrequireddandyenglishmanwilldo-ulitis.(ok you try to think up a fictional disease, go on I dare you!)

It's not like I don't like Guy Ritchie...I actually do in fact I'd love to see him with a homely, curvaceous little Welsh Kitten, all goose-pimpled and starry eyed he surely deserves it after years with the Ice Maid-onna in fact Septic Peg here almost guarantees his next lass will be a Kelly Brook alike so watch this space.

Am sure the newspapers can't wait for custody battles and such like, I can imagine the headlines now 'Madonna Feeds Kids Rice Cakes at Christmas', 'Guy Dresses Rocco as Chimney Sweep as Dick van Dyke Obsession Worsens'. Ah well, lets look on the bright side, at least there will be no more shifty Madonna films, and hopefully she will take her relstionship break-up blues out on a few tubs of Ben and Jerry's to fatten her up a bit, those sinewy arms with more bulging veins than a black stallion during intercourse are enough to put me off MTV for life!

Anyway I wish her good luck in her future partner choices which will no doubt constitute toy boy lovers, American basket ball players and the pool boy. Amen.

Lxx

Best Songs of 2008 (says me..some embarassing ones here too)

Mountains by Biffy Clyro
Standing next to me by The Last Shadow Puppets
Rule the World by Take That
Black and Gold by Sam Sparro
Aamerican Boy by Estelle and Kanye West
Mercy by Duffy
RockStar by Nickelback
Anyone else but You by the Moldy Peaches
1234 by Feist
Lovestoned by Justin Timberlake
Forgive me by Leona Lewis
Hey there Delilah by Plain White Tees
Foundations by Kate Nash
Apologize by One Republic
I kissed a girl by Katy Perry
Take a bow by Rihanna
Wont go home without you by Maroon 5
That Kiss by The Courteneers
Somewhere over the Rainbow Israel Kamakawiwo'ole
Hallelujah (Kate Voegele version)
Heartbreaker by Will.I.Am
The One by Kylie Minogue
No One by Alicia Keys
How to save a life by Fray
You know I'm no Good by Amy Winehouse
I like you so much better when your Naked by Ida Maria
The World Should Revolve Around Me by Little Jackie
Sex on Fire by Kings of Leon

Anyone care to disagree?????????????

Burlesque Costumes for Club Noir

So to Club Noir we go....

I don't know about you ladies but I'm not really a pumpkin, robot or ghost-made-out of-old-bedsheets kind of girl. When I think of Halloween I think of luscious ladies and dashing men cut in garb of centuries old, slashes of red here and there, pointy blood dappled nails, devils horns....just the right amount of naughtiness that - let's face it - has prevented us from hanging up the trick or treat bags a long time ago.

Okay I'm a goth at heart but that hasn't done Dita any harm!

Anyhoo, I've had a good think and raked through hundreds of sites to get some ideas about how to approach this whole club noir business and here are the ideas I have come up with, please feel free to adapt, ignore and brazenly nab if you wish:

Usual Suspects (you will most definitely not be the only one on the night sporting this choice of outfit but it can't go wrong and you...will...look... devastating so who cares!)

Can-Can girl
- Tutus Skirt with netting underneath or bustle at the back, corset, fishnet stockings, ankle-length boot shoes, velvet choker, ringlets tied up in a messy french plait at the back, lots and lots and lots of makeup.

20's Flapper
- Flapper dress (or thin strapped slinky dress whatever's easer to find), stockings and suspenders, dolly shoes, pearl necklace, head band with a large feather attached, pale make up, fluched cheeks and cupid bow lips.

Strip-Tease
- This involves wearing the least amount of clothes you feel comfortable with, if you prefer not to bear flesh but still like this idea a mid length trench coat, suspenders and stockings, some gloves and red lippy should see you through.


Marie Antoinette (French Mistress extraordinaire)
- Beehive and ringlets, small bows or cute clasps through hair, pale silk dress with bustle(and netting underneath for added bounce), shoes to match dress, fan, pale powdered skin, pale pink cheeks and a little beauty spot above the lip to finish it off.

Hammer House of Horror Virgin (maybe there are some things that you can't bring back but Halloween is all about pretend anyway ;)
- Get that floor length nightie out thats been hanging at the back of your grannies wardrobe and make sure you are flashing lots of heaving bosom (wonderbra may be required at this point), make a few rips and tears here and there, add a little blood spatter, sexily distressed hair, 60's style eyeliner and pale lips with flushed cheeks. Vampire teeth also if you can wear them that is.

Head of the Orphanage
- This is most defintely a vintage shop job, if you can imagine Nicole Kidman in 'The Hours' with the dark victorian dress and hair piled up on top of the head. This is the more subdued of the outfits so would therefore be more dramatic on someone who is a little more outrageous in their everyday wear.

The Starlets

Dita (the Dream Queen of Halloween)
- Waist-cinching corset, wriggle/pencil skirt, sky-high stilletos, hair set in rollers, pale skin, red lippy, half moon nails and the flashiest jewellery you can find.

Bettie Page (Burlesque's Pinup Girl)
- black basque, suspender belt(see van doren belt from previous blog), stockings, high heels, long gloves, fringe. If you prefer a little more clothing a cute cherry print halter neck dress will do just as well, add a burlesque bow (try 'Little Lily Designs)to finish the outfit off.

Marilyn
- The White Dress. Enough said.

And for the men...

Jack the Ripper - top hat, dark dirty clothing, grizzly face, dark eyes, perhaps some intestine falling out the pocket? You can adapt this character to your own beliefs too, was he a surgeon? or an artist maybe? Lots of fun to be had.

20's shoes shine/paper boy - by far the cutest. Short trouser, long wooly socks, waistcoat with grandfather shirt and tie underneath, all topped off with a flat cap. You can add to this by bringing your own shoe shine brush or a copy of Ye Times of )lde. Prrr is it wrong I find this sexy?

Circus Ringmaster - Don't think you need reminded what a circus ringmaster looks like but just be careful with that whip Ow!

And....em Frank n Furter? - think this is most definitley the one best left to the extroverts out there but I've yet to see a good Frank 'n' Furter so would be pleased to see someone make a good effort at this one on the evening.

Really hope this helps and you all have a great time, and if you need any help sourcing your Burlesque Costume of choice then feel free to email me at girlwiththeredlipstick@googlemail.com

Bake me a cake and mark it with Lee.

I came across these cute fairy cake cases and had to share. Great for Halloween or for just plain showing off....they also come in red and white polka dot, ornate ivory or sweet heart designs too if this ones a bit too goth for you x

theidparade

I've been out and about a lot this week so I really wasn't looking forward to yet another evening on the tiles (yes even I need to give the vino a rest sometimes)but my fave band of all time were playing so in a superficial attempt at making myself feel better I decided to buy some Sunshimmer Matte Instant Tan in the hope it would make my skin look less like the blue-dirty-dishwater-pallour it had taken on.

After following the instructions, making sure I exfoliated everywhere, extra moisturiser on the elbows etc etc, I applied the lotion as directed. Standing naked in the middle of my living room watching Hollyoaks, flapping my arms wildly, trying to avoid contact with my white walls. After the allocated drying time (God I hope none of my neighbours saw me doing the naked chicken dance through the gap in my curtains) I went to take a look at what I hoped to be the glowing results but was horrified to see my skin was not only blotchy but even with slight pressure the lotion came off!

I was in a rush so in a non-commonsensical effort at saving time I ended up getting a rub down by a sympathetic friend...2 rolls of Andrex later and I looked like a tan and white Jack Russel, thank God for the dark early nights and pub lighting!

Let's just say I wont be using that again in future....

However the good news is there is a new developing suntan lotion out called 'Xen-Tan'. It's not only supposed to smell good it also gives you a nice Jennifer Aniston style light caramel shade that looks quite natural so I shall be buying that in future and using the other stuff as shoe shine for my brown boots.

The band I went to see is called 'the id parade' a 6 piece alternative rock band with a difference. Not only do they introduce a frantic pace and mixture of sounds into their songs, the energy coming from the stage creates an atmosphere you can almost touch...if you were at the Flying Duck on Renfield street last night and you weren't dancing along with 'Against the Law' (their new single) go get your hearing checked! Check out their My Space (click on post title to take you to their page) if my amateur stab at music reviewing hasn't been convincing enough.

Still working on Club Noir outfits so remember and check back here if you are still seeking inspiration.

Px

Scent-sational

For those of us having to tie the old Hello Kitty purse-strings and are finding luxury items are making way for the basics of late, there is nothing worse than running out of your favourite perfume.

Well your luck is in.

Check out the new 'Impulse' Experience Range. I was in a rush the other day so I ran into my local semi-chem and picked up the first deoderant that came to hand which just happened to be 'Impulse Experience' the 'New York' edition which promised to smell of apple, redfruits, jasmine and sandalwood yummy! I was pleasantly surprised that it smells just like DKNY Delicious! No doubt I shall be trying out they other sprays but if anyone comes across one that smells just like a perfume then let me know m sure there must be plenty more out there.

Barbara Berlusconi

I have always been fascinated by Italy, it's beauty; it's cuisine; it's family oriented culture. I remember being on holiday in Marbella a few years ago and in a fit of complete boredom decided to go to the local news stall to see if they had any books that were NOT written by Catherine Cookson or Stephen King (love Stephen King but I wasn't in the mood for nympho zombies or cell phones that blow your head up). I came across a book called the Dark heart of Italy and couldn't wait to get back to the villa to read it.

It mostly went on to discuss the infamous Italian bill payment system which usually required hours of waiting in post office queues as well as the length of time it takes for foreigners to find work and accomodation etc but for the first time I read about Silvio Berlusconi and the massive hold he had (and still has) over the country.

You may have heard of Berlusconi, he was recently voted in as Prime Minister for his third term amidst allegations of him having close ties with the Italian mafia as well as his unashamed attempts at changing laws which coincidentally benefited himself (one being the decriminalization of false account statements which he was arrested for on a previous occasion). In this country Silvio Berlusconi would have been locked up a long time ago but for some reason the Italians seem to see him as some kind of Robin Hood character, and those that dont idolise him, still respect him because of the money and the power he has managed to obtain.

Anyway, the reason I decided to talk about this topic was not to recount Mr Berlusconi's wrong-doings but to say how much I have come to respect and admire his daughter Barbara. She recently set tongues wagging when she was pictured coming out of a debate on "the role of business ethics in economic systems and the management of enterprises", the main point being 'what is the daughter of Silvio Berlusconi doing at a debate about ethics?' She has also revealed her opposition to her father's right wing views by talking about the need for ethics and social responsibility in business. Rather than reverting to name-calling she did this with dignity and pride by saying:

“It is true that I am Berlusconi's daughter, but this does not stop me being an independent person with a mind of my own. The Berlusconi name is esteemed by many, many people. A lot believe in him, many others feel a certain perplexity. I cannot deny my family origins. But I go my own way.”

I just can't get over how many obstacles this girl will have had to get across (mainly the shadow of her father) to show that she is her own person and should be respected in her own right.

Okay that's the Barbara Berlusconi fan club message over with, back to thinking about halloween outfit ideas for those going to Club Noir at the end of this month.

:)

Kick Ass Chilli from Allegra McEvedy- Cook it, go on!

This is a rather ambitious slow cook recipe, you can add or takeaway ingredients as you like but to get the full tasty flavour I would try to stick as close to the recipe as you can.

You will need:

1 heaped tsp dried chilli flakes
2 1/2 tsps ground cumin
2 tsps dried oregano
1 tsp cinnamon
5 sprigs of thyme tied together with string
5 cloves of garlic, roughly chopped
500g braising beef, roughly chopped into 4cm chunks
3 tbsp olive oil
1 heaped tsp cumin seeds
1 heaped tsp coriander seeds
Half a red chilli thinly sliced
2 large onions, diced
2 carrots, small diced
1 x 400g tin of chopped tomatoes
2 x 400g tins of drained kidney beans
One small red onion, thinly sliced
Juice of one lime
Salt

1. Put the dried chilli, ground cumin, oregano, cinnamon, thyme and half the garlic into a dish and add the beef. Coat the beef and leave to marinate in the fridge for a few hours

2. Heat the olive oil in a deep stew pot over a medium heat and gently fry the cumin and coriander seeds for a few minutes.

3. Increase the heat and stir in the beef with the thyme until brown on all sides. Add salt, fresh chilli, rest of garlic, the onions and carrots and keep stirring for another 15-20 mins.

4. Aadd chopped tomatoes and simmer for about 10 minutes before adding the kidney beans. Pour water over just to cover and let simmer for an hour with the lid on. Take the lid off and simmer for up to anhour more to let the mixtre thicken and the meat become tender.

5. Squeeze the lime juice into a little bowl with the red onion and stir then add mixture to the stew, leave for another half hour.

6. Add a pinch of cumin and chilli to add some fresh flavour(and if looks little dry just stir in more water until you get a nice consistency)

Serve with any additional ingredients you like; sour cream, yoghurt, rice, tortillas etc.

This will warm you up on a cold October night, just make sure you have some people to enjoy it with you otherwise you'll eat the whole lot.

Just Because Hee hee

The women We Should Aspire To And What They Said....

"I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man I keep his house."
Zsa Zsa Gabor

"Sometimes I wonder if men and women really suit each other. Perhaps they should live next door and just visit now and then."
Katharine Hepburn

"How wonderful it is that nobody need wait a single moment before starting to improve the world." Anne Frank

"Journalism - an ability to meet the challenge of filling the space. Rebecca West

"When choosing between two evils I always like to take the one I've never tried before." - Mae West

"I don't want to make money. I just want to be wonderful." - Marilyn Monroe

"I have seen all, I have heard all, I have forgotten all." - Marie Antoinette

"If you do things well, do them better. Be daring, be first be different, be just." - Anita Roddick (Body Shop)

"Success is often achieved by those who don't know that failure is inevitable." - Coco Chanel

"If I fall, look out for the crash. There won't be anyone left standing." - Eva Peron

Free Cocktails? I'm in!

My Thursday night is now sorted. Ladies Night oh when the feeling's right, oh yeah it's ladies night oh what a night....yes...I've checked back and well I did just write that.

Moving swiftly on, I have a confession to make (besides my penchant for bursting into rather awful Kool & the Gang renditions). I like to go out and have a drink, or two or three. This may not sound like much but I also have this illness where I feel the need to divide quantities by 3..or 4. It's bad I know. Um anyway I have stumbled across a rather exciting little weekly event I didnt know about before;

Ladies Night at the Alea.

Ladies receive one free cocktail on arrival between 7pm and 10pm* every Thursday in Alea Glasgow's Long Bar, the place to see & be seen. Listen to our resident pianist and some of Glasgow's best known DJ's and receive a scratchcard for your chance to win up to £100 chip to play on the tables!

Each week there is also a theme:

Sept 25th - For girls with an addiction - Shoe PARTY!!

Oct 9th - CLARINS Make-up & Beauty - Check out their new beauty range!

Oct 16th - Silver Anniversary of Ladies Night - Clyde 1's Gina McKie, fabulous jewellers.

Oct 23rd - Nails & Beauty - Enjoy FREE manicures.

This is a free event however booking is encouraged so for every pre booking received, we will donate £2 to Breast Cancer Awareness Scotland per ticket.

I shall be there with bells on!

Tres Excitement!

Kiss Me Deadly are one of THE best lingerie wholesalers on the internet, I'm actually considering buying some stuff in bulk and selling it on (keeping most of it for myself of course!) because this stuff is just too good to miss out on.

This pic is of the Van Doren suspender which as you can see has a really stretchy but supportive front panel which smooths the stomach but still looks hot. I usually have this problem with suspenders where they seem to cinch me in at the waist creating a 'this thing is going to blow!' effect which certainly doesn't promote 'lights on' in the bedroom department. If I wear this with a cute little silk dressing gown, pair of killer heels (purple, ze colour of ze season) and a flash of red lippy I know for a fact he will be lapping it up (in more ways than one ;)

Burlesque Festival in Glasgow

Glasgow will be hosting an annual Cabaret Festival scheduled between Sunday 5th - Sunday 12th July 2009. It will kick off with a high-profile charity gala and will include highlights from high profile Burlesque performers coming from all over the UK in shows, performances and small theatre productions.

This is absolutely great news. Glasgow has already been the place to be of late when it comes to Burlesque shows, the fantastic Club Noir nights (next one to be located at the Carling Academy, October 25th; Tickets £12) which have been so successful they are now touring in London, the monthly Cheesecake evenings in Capitol on Sauchiehall street and not to forget Dr Sketchy's Anti-Art school. It's great to see Glasgow has found a niche, hung onto it and shot everyone else down with all guns blazing.

The great thing about these evenings is they bring old-time glamour back to a Primark ladled society. Ladies, get rid of the polyester v-neck and shoehorn yourself into a glam corset or even a nice little 20's flapper outfit. If, like me, you are worried about showing off the baggy skinned product of your Mars bar obsession, then get yourself some decent magic pants or a.n other shapewear. It's amazing what these things can do, if you buy a decent make they really work!

I'm thinking about getting the dress in the pic, its from www.pinupgirlclothing.com and if I get the right shapewear underneath (and pray my boobs dont fall out) I think it will make me feel great on the night. Im also loving strappy boot heels that seem to be in shops everywhere, they are kind of a take on the gladiator sandal that was out during the Summer but with a bondage feel prrrrrrrrr.

I love seeing little businesses do well on My Space and came across 'Little Lily Designs'. After bringing up a small child Lily decided to start making her hobby of making bows into a business. It's done so well she is getting mentioned by the big Burlesque stars. These bows are so cute and really vamp up any dull old outfit. Check out her My space page or website at www.littlelilydesigns.net or you can try making your own, www.mookychick.co.uk does excellent little tutorials if you are a dab hand with the needle and thread.

I'm in the dressing up mood now so I'm going to go on the Google hunt for deals on some sexy but slimming lingerie...am sure my date Saturday night will more than appreciate it ;)

Custom Search

Bad News

Can someone please write something that doesnt have anything to do with Credit Crunches, Carbon Emissions or Sarah pig-in-friggin-lipstick Palin!!

I'm not immune to the fact that there are serious issues with this planet that need hammered into people but when you have 5 or 6 journalists in the one newspaper (yes I'm talking about you 'The Guardian') all giving their point of view on the current crises which is basically 5 or 6 sets of wording all with the same topic, the same insensitive camaraderie about the 'injustice of it all' and making the same points that we all already know: Gordon Brown is "crap", "inadequate as prime minister", "a complete failure" and Alistair Darling is the Prince Phillip of Politics when it comes to talking long winded speeches about nothing in particular with the worst timing. Yes I know you need to fill about 40 broadsheet sized pages in order to make the not insubstantial price of 80p seem worth buying your paper but you can't truly be saying there is nothing else going on in the world that is as relevant??? How close are we to finding a cure for the common cold? How is CERN coming along? Do we need to worry about any Asteroids or large blazing planets plummeting towards us in the very near future? Perhaps I'm clutching at straws here but you don't need to be Carol Vorderman to know that sensationalizing all things credit crunch has only made the situation worse, of course if you spend 10 pages telling people that the world is ending, banks are shutting down, millions are losing their jobs and those silly little cartoons showing Stock brokers selling their cars for £1, all of these are going to make people panic.

Solution: down-size your paper to tabloid size just like the Times did, less space left to fill up and therefore less rubbish to spout. Get rid of half your staff, which will save you money which in turn can be dedicated to giving your decent journalists enough petrol money to get off their back sides and actually give us a story that's relevant for once.

The 'Pluck' of the Irish

So after much consideration and deliberation and careful thought I have decided that my first blog should be about Irish men, Irish men oh wonderful wonderful Irish men. Sun kissed floppy brown hair that always seems to hang flatteringly over one twinkly blue eye, the dimples so cute on their guinness- reddened shiny cheeks, their slithering drawls so coquettish, so laddish so brogue. Ah Dylan Moran, I dont care if you dont wash, use blunt nail scissors to cut your hair and have never gone a full day sober in your life...come lie with me on my Shamrock sheets and make sweet love to me, I don't care if it lasts 2 minutes, and results in you collapsing in a dead weight on top of me I will not fear my love...just tell me one more time about the big metal cages and the Japanese fighting spiders and I will be yours my sweet, i'll even forgo a night of Disco Boy fun with Noel Fielding, lusty back-combing with Russel Brand and moustache twiddling with Jack Sparr...I mean Johnny Depp.....I will give it all up for you my Irish Laddy. Alas I shall not see you until you grace us with your presence at The Pavilion on November 4th, I shall be the corset encumbered busty brunette lay spread out on the aisle floor awaiting your First Aid.

P.S please dont drink whiskey it brings me out in a rash

Mwah
Pandora

Quotes

"Death Before Dishonour. Exactly how much dishonour are we talking about here? Because I could handle quite a lot."

"When you say to a child, 'It's bedtime', what the child hears is: Go and lie down in the dark. For hours. I'm locking the door now."


"I feel very very old. My hair hurts. I have buttocks all over my body and I can't even smoke properly any more. I don't have lungs, I just have two poppadoms in here."