Freaks, weirdos, creeps and other internet Phenomenon

I had planned to start the scruffs versus suits debate but something else has been bugging me and I just felt the urge to purge this bug onto my blog just to get everyone elses view on things.

Someone once described me as an attention whore. Now this can be interpreted in lots of different ways but my interpretation is that anyone who publicises their lives on the World Wide Web is suffering from a little ADD anyway, and therefore do come across as attention seekers. Had this analogy come from a friend or family member this would have been fine but this came from a complete stranger who had been trying to hook up with me on Facebook (he turned nasty when he realised he wasn't getting any)

Anyway thats not my niggle, I've come to terms with the fact that I do probably rely on the opinions of others more than I should and Attention Whore I am. However. I am perturbed to find that the results of my listing on a flat hunting website have been not dissimilar to the replies to a lonely Hearts ad. After listing my ad 2 days ago I have had 8 phone calls (all from men I might add) 3 of which were apparent wrong numbers 'but how are you today anyway' and 2 were comments on my 'nice pic'. Now can someone tell me why any sane, intelligent man would use a flat hunting website as a method in which to pick up women? What's wrong with these people, why have they got so much time on their hands and why am I so bothered by this?

To be honest I think I'm suffering from lets be friends overkill, maybe life on the Social Networking scene has turned me into a an online hermit who just 'vants to be left alone.' Which is really bad because for every 20 'Just saying hiyas' out there, I do come across decent people who I would give the time of day for and would probably contribute greatly to my life in a roundabout way.

I'm going to offer 5 bits of Social Networking advice to any men out there that fall into the caregory above;

1. If a woman's profile is public then she is open to contact from people she doesnt know - that's fine, but if you read her profile and it expressly says 'I DONT DO WEBCAM, I WONT CHAT ON MSN JUST COS YOU ASK ME TO or I DONT ADD PEOPLE WHO DONT INTRODUCE THEMSELVES then that usually means exactly what it says on the tin. There is nothing more annoying than someone who tries to add you with no reason as to why or with a paltry 'Hi, how are you?', this is mind numbingly boring and even if you are good looking I wouldnt give your profile the time of day

2. Plug yourself - If you are on these networks to meet new people yet your profile is dull as dishwater, says nothing about you and only has a pic of a can of beans on it (which despite what you think isn't cute, funny or cool) then why the hell would someone want to add you????Do you think you are so great that you shouldn't have to sell your self? Maybe you are but am I psychic? Yes maybe I am - I can sometimes tell when my phones going to ring, spooky - but not everyone else is so pull your finger out, spend a couple of hours on bigging yourself up online and Pearl's your auntie!

3. Don't be crude - no matter what you think comments such as 'I want to bite your breast' ' Can I pee on you' and 'I'll buy you underwear if you sleep with me' are rarely the chat up lines that have positive results. You may think these thoughts but doesnt mean you have to say them, try not to in future although the probability is you are rather creepy anyway so no guarantees this will improve your repertoire.

4. Singles Only - Unless you are online for networking or the purpose of meeting platonic friends , if you are married or coupled up and fancy a bit on the side go to 'Iwantabitontheside.com' you will very rarely find females who would be quite happy to fornicate with a guy who's so cheap he needs to cheat on his wife/girlfriend through a free networking site. It's naff it's not nice and you're an a$$hole.

And number 5. Be Original - be cheeky, smart, different, actually read the stuff on my profile don't try to wing it with a cut and paste number that just screams 'I'm desperate for a shag, anybody will do' it just makes my blood curdle that anyone would think I would actually have the time or the energy to reply to you!!

And to hark back to my initial bugbear, don't look for opportunities where there are none, if a girl puts an ad up looking for a flat that's all she is doing, it isn't an under-handed attempt at publicising my phone number for all and sundry to see.

Besides it's there in plain view in the third gentleman's toilet cubicle of the Twisted Wheel, right under the 'I heart Dildos' inscription next to the handle.


Gripe over.

Lx

Scruffs versus Suits

New blog coming up discussing the universal debate between women the world over...the scruff or the suit? Answers on a postcard please, my very own opinion to follow suit.

Men...metaphorically speaking

I've spent last 3 hours with my head in the books, nae Cosmo, nae TV Guide, no not even the Johnny Depp Scrapbook number under my bed....I'm talking serious Business School stuff and I know I'm really meant to keep within the realms of Publics and Private sectors, and Non-Profit Co-operatives and all that la dee dah nonsense but I couldnt help butnotice how successfully Morgan's Metaphors (on how to describe aspects of business)...can be applied to men.

Let me see............

Machine - require lubrication from a substance made out of hops and barley on a regular basis, says it helps them relax and stops them becoming stiff, on some occasions however prone to dysfunction and floppiness.

Organism - Your bed becomes a Kim and Aggie special.

Brain - If not located in trouser department check big toe.

Culture - Some think this is a visit to their local which is over a 100 years old (and smells like it too), some think it's the now extinct cousin of that large winged creature that circles decimated carcasses in the Sahara desert.

Political System - If not Rangers then Celtic, if not Celtic then eeny meeny miny mo or the team with the nicest colour of scarf.

Psychic Prison - Once you have kids with him you KNOW you're the one stuck in alone on a Friday night, you just KNOW it.

Flux and transformations - once flux happens watch him transform into a pile of blubbering and snoring ridulous-ness while you sleep in the wet patch.

Vehicle of dominance - yes that is what he calls that monster sitting in your driveway, what he doesn't realise is that even if he did add a rear neon chassis, bumper kit and sporty aqua blue steering wheel its still a 10 year old Vauxhall Astra that breaks down at roundabouts with no air con.

Hm....just a thought.

Lx

The adventures of Bear Ghrylls and other bedtime stories

I had a dream about Bear Ghrylls last night. It involved sodding wet clothes, a pile of half-eaten grubs and one claustrophobic but cosy sleeping bag. There's something about a man that can make a 3 course meal out of the contents of a rainforest canopy that gives me nice little feelings in my tummy and the fact he wrestles with river lizards and can catch fish with nothing put a pair of trousers and some tied together jungle vines that just gives me more dream fodder to play with.

This is all gloriously predictable I know, I mean what woman in their right mind wouldn't want to play Jane to Bear's Tarzan? I can imagine it now, me clad in my favourite leopard-print bra and thong set, Bear wearing nothing but a copy of the National Geographic....prrrr... but it had to be said.

Speaking of jungles..I'm rather embarrassed about the state of my habitat this week. I havent seen floor for days due to several week night wardrobe malfunctions that never made it back to the drawer and Wednesday nights remnants of macaroni were still sitting on my Kitchen worktop last night so you can imagine my complete horror on Saturday morning when I had realised I had invited home a house' guest' in a sambuca fuelled moment of madness. Not only do you have last nights make-up smeared across your face, you have last weeks dinner lying across your living room. Not nice...and very not like me but had such a hectic week housework just wasnt priority...anyway excuses aside I suppose I should be happy I still feel shame, thought that emotion had gone a long time ago ;)

Oh Gordon

Okay so Mr Ramsay graced the cobbled street of Buchanan with his lobster soup-smelling leather bound feet, muttering insults and expletives under his breath as his flustered Glasgow fans gathered to watch his somewhat bedraggled face grimacing in concentration as he signed his annual attempt at cashing in on the spendthrift christmas market..what's the big deal?

No I didn't get my book signed. Grrrr.

Fed up?

Sorry I haven't written in so long but Pandora's been a busy girl. So busy in fact, her mind has become somewhat muddled and she has started talking about herself in the third person.

Anyway I shall be blogging tad more often from now on as this blog takes on a more personal angle...am really liking Belle de Jour's blog (tv series is also good but what is UP with Billie Piper's speech? Has anyone else noticed she has suddenly taken on a lisp? 'What I really like to do ish think about thingsh which ish shomewhat hard when one is mounting a client...or whatever) and am wishing I did the whole anonymous thing so I could divulge a little bit more about what is going on in my life but who knows..maybe I do have another anonymous blog that is far more gritty (picture the evil villain twinkle as I say this) on this here blogger..hm maybe not.

Something I'm coming across more and more at the moment is how fed up everyone is. Is anyone else feeling this? People not going out anymore because they can't be bothered, people working in places they hate being in, people barking on about dreams they have for the future but when questioned on how they plan to get there, catatonic tumbleweed style silence ensues. I'm not grumbling because I probably fit in the top percentile of this weary bunch but I'm at least recognising that this is NOT how things should be done. At the risk of sounding like a scary reject from the 'Mr Motivators Cycling shorts Fan Club', I just wish we could all get our arses into gear and get out of this - for want of a better term - FUG. Am I willing to be the leader of this new cult? No. But what I am going to do is lead by example and do the following;

Gym 3 times per week

Swimming one day per week

No food after 8....................bags of chips and curry sauce.

No more wine after first bottle (per hour)

No more bottles after first crate (per day)

Stop dating men I don't like.

Stop having sex on first date (DISCLAIMER: The writer of previous sentence wishes to make it known that by stating said sentence the writer does not wish it to be assumed that she does this on every first date but out of 10 years of solid dating the ratio of 'sex on first date' compared to 'no sex on first date' has increased to a moderate 2 digit number which to others may seem modest but to writer; perturbs.)
Stop thinking nasty thoughts about Bingo-Winged Texans with the personality traits (and same vicious odour) as a large old cow that hasn't been milked in a while and has been left in its field too long

Stop writing personal information about myself on public blogs.

Amongst other things...this list is the start of the me-moi-mono-singular-je-I revolution.

Stand tall, throw your pulling pants away and walk with me on the path of 21st Century Female enlightenment...just don't forget to shave your legs because you just never know do you?

Until next time. x

Gasp... Madonna and Guy Ritchie Divorce!!!

Well well well so its finally come about that Madonna and Guy are divorcing.

After getting over the shock (over the fact that it was front page news not that the fact that the Matriarchal-Uber-Pumped-Up-Bionic-Woman has decided to call it a day with the Boozehound that is Mr Ritchie) I'm still thinking about what attracted the two in the first place!

You know when you go on that first date with someone and there isn't that vibe yet but you give it another chance, you quite like the guy, he's good-looking, talented, funny so you think you should like him, and you see him again, and your friends are saying you look good together and well its got kind of comfortable so you continue seeing him until it ends up you get a house together have 2 kids and 5 years later wonder what the f*** is going on? No? Never done that? Well that's what I think happened in this scenario, the Material girl was too busy with career, adopting Malawaaian (sp?) orphans, botox and looking like Ms Universe to realise what was staring her in the face...a nasty case of clocktickingspermrequireddandyenglishmanwilldo-ulitis.(ok you try to think up a fictional disease, go on I dare you!)

It's not like I don't like Guy Ritchie...I actually do in fact I'd love to see him with a homely, curvaceous little Welsh Kitten, all goose-pimpled and starry eyed he surely deserves it after years with the Ice Maid-onna in fact Septic Peg here almost guarantees his next lass will be a Kelly Brook alike so watch this space.

Am sure the newspapers can't wait for custody battles and such like, I can imagine the headlines now 'Madonna Feeds Kids Rice Cakes at Christmas', 'Guy Dresses Rocco as Chimney Sweep as Dick van Dyke Obsession Worsens'. Ah well, lets look on the bright side, at least there will be no more shifty Madonna films, and hopefully she will take her relstionship break-up blues out on a few tubs of Ben and Jerry's to fatten her up a bit, those sinewy arms with more bulging veins than a black stallion during intercourse are enough to put me off MTV for life!

Anyway I wish her good luck in her future partner choices which will no doubt constitute toy boy lovers, American basket ball players and the pool boy. Amen.

Lxx