Oh Gordon

Okay so Mr Ramsay graced the cobbled street of Buchanan with his lobster soup-smelling leather bound feet, muttering insults and expletives under his breath as his flustered Glasgow fans gathered to watch his somewhat bedraggled face grimacing in concentration as he signed his annual attempt at cashing in on the spendthrift christmas market..what's the big deal?

No I didn't get my book signed. Grrrr.

Fed up?

Sorry I haven't written in so long but Pandora's been a busy girl. So busy in fact, her mind has become somewhat muddled and she has started talking about herself in the third person.

Anyway I shall be blogging tad more often from now on as this blog takes on a more personal angle...am really liking Belle de Jour's blog (tv series is also good but what is UP with Billie Piper's speech? Has anyone else noticed she has suddenly taken on a lisp? 'What I really like to do ish think about thingsh which ish shomewhat hard when one is mounting a client...or whatever) and am wishing I did the whole anonymous thing so I could divulge a little bit more about what is going on in my life but who knows..maybe I do have another anonymous blog that is far more gritty (picture the evil villain twinkle as I say this) on this here blogger..hm maybe not.

Something I'm coming across more and more at the moment is how fed up everyone is. Is anyone else feeling this? People not going out anymore because they can't be bothered, people working in places they hate being in, people barking on about dreams they have for the future but when questioned on how they plan to get there, catatonic tumbleweed style silence ensues. I'm not grumbling because I probably fit in the top percentile of this weary bunch but I'm at least recognising that this is NOT how things should be done. At the risk of sounding like a scary reject from the 'Mr Motivators Cycling shorts Fan Club', I just wish we could all get our arses into gear and get out of this - for want of a better term - FUG. Am I willing to be the leader of this new cult? No. But what I am going to do is lead by example and do the following;

Gym 3 times per week

Swimming one day per week

No food after 8....................bags of chips and curry sauce.

No more wine after first bottle (per hour)

No more bottles after first crate (per day)

Stop dating men I don't like.

Stop having sex on first date (DISCLAIMER: The writer of previous sentence wishes to make it known that by stating said sentence the writer does not wish it to be assumed that she does this on every first date but out of 10 years of solid dating the ratio of 'sex on first date' compared to 'no sex on first date' has increased to a moderate 2 digit number which to others may seem modest but to writer; perturbs.)
Stop thinking nasty thoughts about Bingo-Winged Texans with the personality traits (and same vicious odour) as a large old cow that hasn't been milked in a while and has been left in its field too long

Stop writing personal information about myself on public blogs.

Amongst other things...this list is the start of the me-moi-mono-singular-je-I revolution.

Stand tall, throw your pulling pants away and walk with me on the path of 21st Century Female enlightenment...just don't forget to shave your legs because you just never know do you?

Until next time. x

Gasp... Madonna and Guy Ritchie Divorce!!!

Well well well so its finally come about that Madonna and Guy are divorcing.

After getting over the shock (over the fact that it was front page news not that the fact that the Matriarchal-Uber-Pumped-Up-Bionic-Woman has decided to call it a day with the Boozehound that is Mr Ritchie) I'm still thinking about what attracted the two in the first place!

You know when you go on that first date with someone and there isn't that vibe yet but you give it another chance, you quite like the guy, he's good-looking, talented, funny so you think you should like him, and you see him again, and your friends are saying you look good together and well its got kind of comfortable so you continue seeing him until it ends up you get a house together have 2 kids and 5 years later wonder what the f*** is going on? No? Never done that? Well that's what I think happened in this scenario, the Material girl was too busy with career, adopting Malawaaian (sp?) orphans, botox and looking like Ms Universe to realise what was staring her in the face...a nasty case of clocktickingspermrequireddandyenglishmanwilldo-ulitis.(ok you try to think up a fictional disease, go on I dare you!)

It's not like I don't like Guy Ritchie...I actually do in fact I'd love to see him with a homely, curvaceous little Welsh Kitten, all goose-pimpled and starry eyed he surely deserves it after years with the Ice Maid-onna in fact Septic Peg here almost guarantees his next lass will be a Kelly Brook alike so watch this space.

Am sure the newspapers can't wait for custody battles and such like, I can imagine the headlines now 'Madonna Feeds Kids Rice Cakes at Christmas', 'Guy Dresses Rocco as Chimney Sweep as Dick van Dyke Obsession Worsens'. Ah well, lets look on the bright side, at least there will be no more shifty Madonna films, and hopefully she will take her relstionship break-up blues out on a few tubs of Ben and Jerry's to fatten her up a bit, those sinewy arms with more bulging veins than a black stallion during intercourse are enough to put me off MTV for life!

Anyway I wish her good luck in her future partner choices which will no doubt constitute toy boy lovers, American basket ball players and the pool boy. Amen.

Lxx

Best Songs of 2008 (says me..some embarassing ones here too)

Mountains by Biffy Clyro
Standing next to me by The Last Shadow Puppets
Rule the World by Take That
Black and Gold by Sam Sparro
Aamerican Boy by Estelle and Kanye West
Mercy by Duffy
RockStar by Nickelback
Anyone else but You by the Moldy Peaches
1234 by Feist
Lovestoned by Justin Timberlake
Forgive me by Leona Lewis
Hey there Delilah by Plain White Tees
Foundations by Kate Nash
Apologize by One Republic
I kissed a girl by Katy Perry
Take a bow by Rihanna
Wont go home without you by Maroon 5
That Kiss by The Courteneers
Somewhere over the Rainbow Israel Kamakawiwo'ole
Hallelujah (Kate Voegele version)
Heartbreaker by Will.I.Am
The One by Kylie Minogue
No One by Alicia Keys
How to save a life by Fray
You know I'm no Good by Amy Winehouse
I like you so much better when your Naked by Ida Maria
The World Should Revolve Around Me by Little Jackie
Sex on Fire by Kings of Leon

Anyone care to disagree?????????????

Burlesque Costumes for Club Noir

So to Club Noir we go....

I don't know about you ladies but I'm not really a pumpkin, robot or ghost-made-out of-old-bedsheets kind of girl. When I think of Halloween I think of luscious ladies and dashing men cut in garb of centuries old, slashes of red here and there, pointy blood dappled nails, devils horns....just the right amount of naughtiness that - let's face it - has prevented us from hanging up the trick or treat bags a long time ago.

Okay I'm a goth at heart but that hasn't done Dita any harm!

Anyhoo, I've had a good think and raked through hundreds of sites to get some ideas about how to approach this whole club noir business and here are the ideas I have come up with, please feel free to adapt, ignore and brazenly nab if you wish:

Usual Suspects (you will most definitely not be the only one on the night sporting this choice of outfit but it can't go wrong and you...will...look... devastating so who cares!)

Can-Can girl
- Tutus Skirt with netting underneath or bustle at the back, corset, fishnet stockings, ankle-length boot shoes, velvet choker, ringlets tied up in a messy french plait at the back, lots and lots and lots of makeup.

20's Flapper
- Flapper dress (or thin strapped slinky dress whatever's easer to find), stockings and suspenders, dolly shoes, pearl necklace, head band with a large feather attached, pale make up, fluched cheeks and cupid bow lips.

Strip-Tease
- This involves wearing the least amount of clothes you feel comfortable with, if you prefer not to bear flesh but still like this idea a mid length trench coat, suspenders and stockings, some gloves and red lippy should see you through.


Marie Antoinette (French Mistress extraordinaire)
- Beehive and ringlets, small bows or cute clasps through hair, pale silk dress with bustle(and netting underneath for added bounce), shoes to match dress, fan, pale powdered skin, pale pink cheeks and a little beauty spot above the lip to finish it off.

Hammer House of Horror Virgin (maybe there are some things that you can't bring back but Halloween is all about pretend anyway ;)
- Get that floor length nightie out thats been hanging at the back of your grannies wardrobe and make sure you are flashing lots of heaving bosom (wonderbra may be required at this point), make a few rips and tears here and there, add a little blood spatter, sexily distressed hair, 60's style eyeliner and pale lips with flushed cheeks. Vampire teeth also if you can wear them that is.

Head of the Orphanage
- This is most defintely a vintage shop job, if you can imagine Nicole Kidman in 'The Hours' with the dark victorian dress and hair piled up on top of the head. This is the more subdued of the outfits so would therefore be more dramatic on someone who is a little more outrageous in their everyday wear.

The Starlets

Dita (the Dream Queen of Halloween)
- Waist-cinching corset, wriggle/pencil skirt, sky-high stilletos, hair set in rollers, pale skin, red lippy, half moon nails and the flashiest jewellery you can find.

Bettie Page (Burlesque's Pinup Girl)
- black basque, suspender belt(see van doren belt from previous blog), stockings, high heels, long gloves, fringe. If you prefer a little more clothing a cute cherry print halter neck dress will do just as well, add a burlesque bow (try 'Little Lily Designs)to finish the outfit off.

Marilyn
- The White Dress. Enough said.

And for the men...

Jack the Ripper - top hat, dark dirty clothing, grizzly face, dark eyes, perhaps some intestine falling out the pocket? You can adapt this character to your own beliefs too, was he a surgeon? or an artist maybe? Lots of fun to be had.

20's shoes shine/paper boy - by far the cutest. Short trouser, long wooly socks, waistcoat with grandfather shirt and tie underneath, all topped off with a flat cap. You can add to this by bringing your own shoe shine brush or a copy of Ye Times of )lde. Prrr is it wrong I find this sexy?

Circus Ringmaster - Don't think you need reminded what a circus ringmaster looks like but just be careful with that whip Ow!

And....em Frank n Furter? - think this is most definitley the one best left to the extroverts out there but I've yet to see a good Frank 'n' Furter so would be pleased to see someone make a good effort at this one on the evening.

Really hope this helps and you all have a great time, and if you need any help sourcing your Burlesque Costume of choice then feel free to email me at girlwiththeredlipstick@googlemail.com

Bake me a cake and mark it with Lee.

I came across these cute fairy cake cases and had to share. Great for Halloween or for just plain showing off....they also come in red and white polka dot, ornate ivory or sweet heart designs too if this ones a bit too goth for you x

theidparade

I've been out and about a lot this week so I really wasn't looking forward to yet another evening on the tiles (yes even I need to give the vino a rest sometimes)but my fave band of all time were playing so in a superficial attempt at making myself feel better I decided to buy some Sunshimmer Matte Instant Tan in the hope it would make my skin look less like the blue-dirty-dishwater-pallour it had taken on.

After following the instructions, making sure I exfoliated everywhere, extra moisturiser on the elbows etc etc, I applied the lotion as directed. Standing naked in the middle of my living room watching Hollyoaks, flapping my arms wildly, trying to avoid contact with my white walls. After the allocated drying time (God I hope none of my neighbours saw me doing the naked chicken dance through the gap in my curtains) I went to take a look at what I hoped to be the glowing results but was horrified to see my skin was not only blotchy but even with slight pressure the lotion came off!

I was in a rush so in a non-commonsensical effort at saving time I ended up getting a rub down by a sympathetic friend...2 rolls of Andrex later and I looked like a tan and white Jack Russel, thank God for the dark early nights and pub lighting!

Let's just say I wont be using that again in future....

However the good news is there is a new developing suntan lotion out called 'Xen-Tan'. It's not only supposed to smell good it also gives you a nice Jennifer Aniston style light caramel shade that looks quite natural so I shall be buying that in future and using the other stuff as shoe shine for my brown boots.

The band I went to see is called 'the id parade' a 6 piece alternative rock band with a difference. Not only do they introduce a frantic pace and mixture of sounds into their songs, the energy coming from the stage creates an atmosphere you can almost touch...if you were at the Flying Duck on Renfield street last night and you weren't dancing along with 'Against the Law' (their new single) go get your hearing checked! Check out their My Space (click on post title to take you to their page) if my amateur stab at music reviewing hasn't been convincing enough.

Still working on Club Noir outfits so remember and check back here if you are still seeking inspiration.

Px