Dearie me,
31st July already and I haven't even done half of what I thought I'd do by this point. Getting a little edgy to be truthful with you, perhaps more to do with my living and work situation right now than anything else but it is amazing how we all seem to settle into our own little habits. Think about it, if someone was to write a book about the last 12 months what would it be? A tearjerker? Chick lit? Thriller? Comedy?
I think at the moment mine would be a comedy horror. Like psychoville. Am surrounded by legging clad clones, same blow dryed and straightened hair-dos, neon bangles and orange faces, different mobile phone covers...
If I'm sounding bitchy I'm not, yes all these young girls are at least 10 years younger than me have their whole lives ahead of them and the teeniest tiniest waists I have ever seen but COME ON strive to be at least a little bit different for God's sake! I want to cry out to them in the street, beg them to get rid of the leggings and shove on a cute wee polka dot dress or a cheap little vintage number from the local Cancer Research shop but I feel my cries of encouragement would be ignored so I walk on, high heels clapping along the pavement, tugging up the stockings and drawing in my calorie laden tum. Ah I weep......
..BUT on a lighter note I have some lover-ly things going on. I don't have Swine Flu hoorah! I am no longer employed so am now free to get creative woo hoo! And even better I have my first writing job yee hee! So this part of my life is going swimmingly, even a little bit of romance in the air but that is where I leave it as I cannot divulge anything further. Instead I will leave you with some lovely little facts about kissing and how women go about choosing their men.
1. The 5 characteristics that women like in a man are Strong, well-bred, far-seeing, caring, self-confident
I will vouch for this one although have dated a well-bred gent who showed me how I should sip from my spoon before and that was a slight turn off.
2. 3 long smooches a day can not only make for a charged atmosphere, but if done over a year can relieve you of over a kilogram of weight
I am all for this as a dieting technique, bring on the lip salve yee ha!
3. Men who kiss their ladies before they leave the door live 5 years longer
I have no idea how on earth they managed to find this one out!!
4. Some women are known to reach orgasm during a kiss
This has happened to me before although I was having sex at the time.
5. The average female kisses about 80 men before she gets married
Wrong! The average female kisses 50 men before she's married, unfortunately I myself seem to have increased the average somehwat...
6. About 90 tonnes of lipstick a year is eaten by men
This is a disgusting habit which I feel should be banned this instant!
7. In the throes of love it is scientifically proven that people who are depressed or have been ill long term actually get better
There you go Mr Brown, instead of putting people on the sick you should be getting people on dating sites save yourself a fortune!
8. It has been scientifically proven that when in love the activity in an individuals brain is almost identical to someone who is intoxicated.
I am always intoxicated so no comment.
Remember to say white rabbits tomorrow morning Kittens
Mmmwaah!
LPx
Showing posts with label men. Show all posts
Showing posts with label men. Show all posts
Friday, 31 July 2009
Saturday, 4 April 2009
Shopping in Primark.
You are either an Impulse buyer or a Procrastinator in life and looking over the past couple of years I have been of the Impulse buying variety which isn't very wrong but it seems my purchases have been more Bargain Books than Harrods.
The amount of times I have reached for the best china but due to sheer negligence have ended up with the plastic cups and saucers and do you know what ladies and gentlemen I realise now that I deserve much better, in fact we ALL deserve much better than that so the Car Boot sales stop here.
I realise now I've been looking for depth in shallow ponds and it's funny when things become clearer for you. The little things that may have hurt you now seem laughable, the Romeos become Quasimodos and the cheeky chappies turn into Jimmy Krankies. The small flashing lights alerting you to a possible disaster now turn into Foghorns on a clear misty night, the little white lies, the drunken calls, the thoughtless remarks from various sources all gather into one shady character who could be any one of them but now looks like an insignificant, forgotten gargoyle propped on a wrecked old building endlessly peering out on a life that will never change for them.
The decision's made, am going to take my time and seek out the diamond in the rough and suggest everyone else out there does too because while your eyes are trying to find some beauty in the gargoyle the starling could be flying overhead.
And for those of you who do not have a clue what I'm talking about? Good guys do get Jell-o!
;)
LP xx
The amount of times I have reached for the best china but due to sheer negligence have ended up with the plastic cups and saucers and do you know what ladies and gentlemen I realise now that I deserve much better, in fact we ALL deserve much better than that so the Car Boot sales stop here.
I realise now I've been looking for depth in shallow ponds and it's funny when things become clearer for you. The little things that may have hurt you now seem laughable, the Romeos become Quasimodos and the cheeky chappies turn into Jimmy Krankies. The small flashing lights alerting you to a possible disaster now turn into Foghorns on a clear misty night, the little white lies, the drunken calls, the thoughtless remarks from various sources all gather into one shady character who could be any one of them but now looks like an insignificant, forgotten gargoyle propped on a wrecked old building endlessly peering out on a life that will never change for them.
The decision's made, am going to take my time and seek out the diamond in the rough and suggest everyone else out there does too because while your eyes are trying to find some beauty in the gargoyle the starling could be flying overhead.
And for those of you who do not have a clue what I'm talking about? Good guys do get Jell-o!
;)
LP xx
Tuesday, 31 March 2009
Interesting Mating Rituals in the Animal Kingdom
Banana Slugs...
...have a penis the same size as their body which means they need a female the same size as their penis. And what happens if that lil ole weener don't fit? The female gnaws the end off. Nice.
Anglerfish...
....lazy ass sea leeches, as soon as they are done with the party lifestyle their digestive systems shut down which means they can no longer feed themselves. A lightbulb goes 'ting!'and they head off to find the nearest daft female. They then bite said female, releasing an enzyme that bonds their flesh together..FOREVER!! He then proceeds to shoot a dose of love stuff to keep the females eggo everlastingly preggo.
Men...
...are known to latch on to nearest female with a protruding chest and feathered plumes. As soon as plumes are plucked males senses edorphin rush releasing themselves from female, allowing them to move on to next bird with head turned.
Pandora Bellamy signing off.
KISs
...have a penis the same size as their body which means they need a female the same size as their penis. And what happens if that lil ole weener don't fit? The female gnaws the end off. Nice.
Anglerfish...
....lazy ass sea leeches, as soon as they are done with the party lifestyle their digestive systems shut down which means they can no longer feed themselves. A lightbulb goes 'ting!'and they head off to find the nearest daft female. They then bite said female, releasing an enzyme that bonds their flesh together..FOREVER!! He then proceeds to shoot a dose of love stuff to keep the females eggo everlastingly preggo.
Men...
...are known to latch on to nearest female with a protruding chest and feathered plumes. As soon as plumes are plucked males senses edorphin rush releasing themselves from female, allowing them to move on to next bird with head turned.
Pandora Bellamy signing off.
KISs
Monday, 30 March 2009
Bloody Good Weekend Old Chap!
Now, I've had interesting weekends before, but this last one had to top them all...it involved Silver Mercedes cocktails, engagements, birthday parties, 4 in a bed sleepovers, men who look like lumberjacks, friends pulling the guy they've fancied for months, business ventures all go, scrambled eggs, pubs full of people singing along to Queen Songs, old men's bars, karaoke, derren brown and kidnapping strange people off the street whilst their friends walked 2 feet in front of them, then not returning them til 24 hours later. To top it all off I feel fresh as a daisy today because my body thinks its getting away from work an hour earlier - THANK YOU daylight savings.
Oh and there is also the fact a well-known premier league footballer has asked me to be his dominatrix...no I'm not qualified in the slightest and no I won't tell who he is but look out for any of our nations finest sporting a Pandora Rox tattoo on his bum ;)
I couldn't make this stuff up.
Lx
Thursday, 23 October 2008
Fed up?
Sorry I haven't written in so long but Pandora's been a busy girl. So busy in fact, her mind has become somewhat muddled and she has started talking about herself in the third person.
Anyway I shall be blogging tad more often from now on as this blog takes on a more personal angle...am really liking Belle de Jour's blog (tv series is also good but what is UP with Billie Piper's speech? Has anyone else noticed she has suddenly taken on a lisp? 'What I really like to do ish think about thingsh which ish shomewhat hard when one is mounting a client...or whatever) and am wishing I did the whole anonymous thing so I could divulge a little bit more about what is going on in my life but who knows..maybe I do have another anonymous blog that is far more gritty (picture the evil villain twinkle as I say this) on this here blogger..hm maybe not.
Something I'm coming across more and more at the moment is how fed up everyone is. Is anyone else feeling this? People not going out anymore because they can't be bothered, people working in places they hate being in, people barking on about dreams they have for the future but when questioned on how they plan to get there, catatonic tumbleweed style silence ensues. I'm not grumbling because I probably fit in the top percentile of this weary bunch but I'm at least recognising that this is NOT how things should be done. At the risk of sounding like a scary reject from the 'Mr Motivators Cycling shorts Fan Club', I just wish we could all get our arses into gear and get out of this - for want of a better term - FUG. Am I willing to be the leader of this new cult? No. But what I am going to do is lead by example and do the following;
Gym 3 times per week
Swimming one day per week
No food after 8....................bags of chips and curry sauce.
No more wine after first bottle (per hour)
No more bottles after first crate (per day)
Stop dating men I don't like.
Stop having sex on first date (DISCLAIMER: The writer of previous sentence wishes to make it known that by stating said sentence the writer does not wish it to be assumed that she does this on every first date but out of 10 years of solid dating the ratio of 'sex on first date' compared to 'no sex on first date' has increased to a moderate 2 digit number which to others may seem modest but to writer; perturbs.)
Stop thinking nasty thoughts about Bingo-Winged Texans with the personality traits (and same vicious odour) as a large old cow that hasn't been milked in a while and has been left in its field too long
Stop writing personal information about myself on public blogs.
Amongst other things...this list is the start of the me-moi-mono-singular-je-I revolution.
Stand tall, throw your pulling pants away and walk with me on the path of 21st Century Female enlightenment...just don't forget to shave your legs because you just never know do you?
Until next time. x
Anyway I shall be blogging tad more often from now on as this blog takes on a more personal angle...am really liking Belle de Jour's blog (tv series is also good but what is UP with Billie Piper's speech? Has anyone else noticed she has suddenly taken on a lisp? 'What I really like to do ish think about thingsh which ish shomewhat hard when one is mounting a client...or whatever) and am wishing I did the whole anonymous thing so I could divulge a little bit more about what is going on in my life but who knows..maybe I do have another anonymous blog that is far more gritty (picture the evil villain twinkle as I say this) on this here blogger..hm maybe not.
Something I'm coming across more and more at the moment is how fed up everyone is. Is anyone else feeling this? People not going out anymore because they can't be bothered, people working in places they hate being in, people barking on about dreams they have for the future but when questioned on how they plan to get there, catatonic tumbleweed style silence ensues. I'm not grumbling because I probably fit in the top percentile of this weary bunch but I'm at least recognising that this is NOT how things should be done. At the risk of sounding like a scary reject from the 'Mr Motivators Cycling shorts Fan Club', I just wish we could all get our arses into gear and get out of this - for want of a better term - FUG. Am I willing to be the leader of this new cult? No. But what I am going to do is lead by example and do the following;
Gym 3 times per week
Swimming one day per week
No food after 8....................bags of chips and curry sauce.
No more wine after first bottle (per hour)
No more bottles after first crate (per day)
Stop dating men I don't like.
Stop having sex on first date (DISCLAIMER: The writer of previous sentence wishes to make it known that by stating said sentence the writer does not wish it to be assumed that she does this on every first date but out of 10 years of solid dating the ratio of 'sex on first date' compared to 'no sex on first date' has increased to a moderate 2 digit number which to others may seem modest but to writer; perturbs.)
Stop thinking nasty thoughts about Bingo-Winged Texans with the personality traits (and same vicious odour) as a large old cow that hasn't been milked in a while and has been left in its field too long
Stop writing personal information about myself on public blogs.
Amongst other things...this list is the start of the me-moi-mono-singular-je-I revolution.
Stand tall, throw your pulling pants away and walk with me on the path of 21st Century Female enlightenment...just don't forget to shave your legs because you just never know do you?
Until next time. x
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