21st Century Pinup Girl?

Shortly I will be celebrating the anniversary of being expelled from my mother's uterus so myself and a good friend of mine have decided to hit my late twenties freshly detoxed and too damn gorgeous for pre-watershed viewing. This has involved trying one diet for 2 days, ditching it out of sheer boredom and googling for the next one that has encouraging photographs of celebs and models emaciated enough to show it's worthwhile giving a bash.

Of course I've treaded the fad dieting path a fair few times before but this will be the first time I have decided to ...wait for it... CUT OUT ALCOHOL! . Being a lady with very few vices I've always thought I have been owed the opportunity to go out and get recklessly drunk as often as I deem fit, I've avoided drug addiction, smoking, stalker-like tendencies, foot fetishes, and anorexia so why the hell shouldn't I??? But then I had kind of an epiphany a couple of weeks ago, and after I looked up the meaning of epiphany on dictionary.com (just to confirm this was as I thought 'a Eureka moment' not the name of some kind of orchestral instrument) I realised alcohol was the only consistent thing in my life that pretty much contributed to it's ruin. To list but a few of the things that have occurred in my life as a direct or indirect result of alcohol:

1. Sex with strangers

2, Sex with friends who I would never have considered sex with

3.Bad sex

4. Great sex (that felt great at time but not so much the next day when you have 6 hickies, rope burns on your wrists and a rash and irritation from the use of scented candle wax that have to be explained to best friend, colleagues and old lady on bus)

5.Sent text meant for boyfriend to boss....

6.Spent a night standing in a hospital corridor screaming "Ignore me! I know this large gouge in my leg which is bleeding profusely and is making me rather nauseous looks quite bad but I'm drunk I don't deserve your charity, look I'll mop my blood off the floor with my skirt that seems to have fallen to my ankles...' (still cringe at that one)

7. Told people I hated them

8. Told people I loved them

9. Fell behind the white screen at a Halloween party..repeatedly...my dishevelled form magnified onto the wall for all to see

10. And worst of all, the mountain of kebabs and chips and putrid, stinking, disgusting food I shoved down my throat that night and the following morning to quell the predictable effects of the absolute barrels of booze I consumed the night before.

Now I have to admit most of these events were of yesteryear (apart from the Halloween one) but to look back at my weekend with pride and dignity gives me a warm feeling inside. The only thing is..what will I have to talk about in the office Monday morning hm.......?

Go check out this site http://www.someecards.com/. Have replaced drunked Saturday night exploits with hunting down great sites on the old interweb and this one had me peeing my nice spotty pink pantie, great little e cards that tell it like it is :)

Speak soon

LPx

On a serious note (and all that nonsense

I've been on this planet for nearly 27 years now (my birthday is on 20th March and don't YOU forget it!) and in that time I have come to terms with a lot of things about myself. First of all I am an 'out of sight, out of mind' kind of person...I prefer to live in the present and now, and although I still think of you often unless you are there in front of me I'm more likely to be concentrating my efforts on something more pressing in the meantime. I realise this sounds almost child-like but I guess it's a kind of coping mechanism to help me remain optimistic and clear-headed and as it is something I have used more and more over the years I find it very difficult to be any different.

Obviously there are certain disadvantages to adopting this attitude, particularly when it comes to family, friends and lovers but as time has gone on my independence and confidence in what I am has become something incredibly important to me so I hope those of you (particularly this person I have in mind) have come to realise this is not thoughtlessness on my part and my feelings havent changed.

Another thing I have found out about myself is that when not in a creative environment I become a lazy-assed chameleon...I blend into my grey, drab and anonymous surroundings, I transform into this 9 to 5 drone who would come home and just sleep all night if I could get away with it. Is this just winter fatigue or has my brain shut down so much that it requires a virtual flood of stimulating ammo before it's raring to go again? Spring? I need you! Hurry up before I'm found comatose, with what's left of my brain matter leaking out of my left ear and creating a puddle on the floor. So tired can't even type properly, where's my flowing style? This post has got more stops and starts than an amateur Go-Karting session!

By the way I've joined Twitter,if you havent heard of it it's like a status update site where you can follow people and they will just give tiny wee updates throughout their day. Stephen Fry updated his account 7 minutes ago saying 'Last scene for me. But at least three more hours on it, I suspect' he is absolutely addicted to it. Am also following Russell Brand and Regina Spektor, I actually feel a little bit like a voyeur, like I'm getting the private inside track on their private lives (along with 45,000 other people). If you want to follow me..in the Twitter sense not of the dark alleyway and holes in walls variety...then just sign up and search for laughingpandora will try keep it up to date with all the goings on in my life (believe it or not is far more interesting than I've been wittering on about here).

Anyhoo, it's 12.35 and my lovely new cosy bed calls.

Ciao Bella
LP X

Valentines Shmalentines

Being in an office full of couples at this time of year certainly puts things in perspective...I've never considered committing a crime before but burning a building with these people in it seems to be a recurring dream I have (only kidding fellow colleagues I love you really.) But the annoying thing is that the other 364 days of the year I am much envied if not revered for my ability to see 6 guys on the hop without fear of retaliation so seeing all these daft flowers, chocolates and dinner dates flying about while I sit nursing a hangover from 3 days of disastrous dating is just not on!

(Doth the lady protest too much?)

LPx

FFS, Par example!

Pandora lies prostate on the sofa, enjoying House and carrots with Sour Cream dip when suddenly mobile dings, there's a message. Transcript reads as follows:

STRANGE PERSON: So you recovered from wkend yet?

dingied

SP: U got my jacket? Left it up at urs at the wkend? x
ME: Sorry do I know you?
SP: It's Adam u 4gotn me? Lol
ME: No didnt know you in the first place
SP: Sorry must hav wrong numbr? Who is this neway?
ME: Lee (thinking that maybe I was more blootered than I thought at weekend)
SP: Lee who? As in male or female? Where you from?
ME: Female, look I really don't think I know you so...
SP: OK sory must hav wrong numbr! Whr u frm? Im adam frm Glasgow
ME:Glasgow
SP: Cool im frm west end byres rd! U up2 much? Wat age r ya?
ME: Dont want to be rude but if I dont know you and you have wrong number so why u still texting?
SP: U want me 2 stop txtn u? U nt fancy getn 2knw each othr? I dnt bite!
ME: Well im 50 year old with no teeth and a blue rinse, so dont think im your type
SP: Lol thats wat I lyk! Nah saw ur pic on gumtree so thot id text ya!

dingied

Freaks, weirdos, creeps and other internet Phenomenon

I had planned to start the scruffs versus suits debate but something else has been bugging me and I just felt the urge to purge this bug onto my blog just to get everyone elses view on things.

Someone once described me as an attention whore. Now this can be interpreted in lots of different ways but my interpretation is that anyone who publicises their lives on the World Wide Web is suffering from a little ADD anyway, and therefore do come across as attention seekers. Had this analogy come from a friend or family member this would have been fine but this came from a complete stranger who had been trying to hook up with me on Facebook (he turned nasty when he realised he wasn't getting any)

Anyway thats not my niggle, I've come to terms with the fact that I do probably rely on the opinions of others more than I should and Attention Whore I am. However. I am perturbed to find that the results of my listing on a flat hunting website have been not dissimilar to the replies to a lonely Hearts ad. After listing my ad 2 days ago I have had 8 phone calls (all from men I might add) 3 of which were apparent wrong numbers 'but how are you today anyway' and 2 were comments on my 'nice pic'. Now can someone tell me why any sane, intelligent man would use a flat hunting website as a method in which to pick up women? What's wrong with these people, why have they got so much time on their hands and why am I so bothered by this?

To be honest I think I'm suffering from lets be friends overkill, maybe life on the Social Networking scene has turned me into a an online hermit who just 'vants to be left alone.' Which is really bad because for every 20 'Just saying hiyas' out there, I do come across decent people who I would give the time of day for and would probably contribute greatly to my life in a roundabout way.

I'm going to offer 5 bits of Social Networking advice to any men out there that fall into the caregory above;

1. If a woman's profile is public then she is open to contact from people she doesnt know - that's fine, but if you read her profile and it expressly says 'I DONT DO WEBCAM, I WONT CHAT ON MSN JUST COS YOU ASK ME TO or I DONT ADD PEOPLE WHO DONT INTRODUCE THEMSELVES then that usually means exactly what it says on the tin. There is nothing more annoying than someone who tries to add you with no reason as to why or with a paltry 'Hi, how are you?', this is mind numbingly boring and even if you are good looking I wouldnt give your profile the time of day

2. Plug yourself - If you are on these networks to meet new people yet your profile is dull as dishwater, says nothing about you and only has a pic of a can of beans on it (which despite what you think isn't cute, funny or cool) then why the hell would someone want to add you????Do you think you are so great that you shouldn't have to sell your self? Maybe you are but am I psychic? Yes maybe I am - I can sometimes tell when my phones going to ring, spooky - but not everyone else is so pull your finger out, spend a couple of hours on bigging yourself up online and Pearl's your auntie!

3. Don't be crude - no matter what you think comments such as 'I want to bite your breast' ' Can I pee on you' and 'I'll buy you underwear if you sleep with me' are rarely the chat up lines that have positive results. You may think these thoughts but doesnt mean you have to say them, try not to in future although the probability is you are rather creepy anyway so no guarantees this will improve your repertoire.

4. Singles Only - Unless you are online for networking or the purpose of meeting platonic friends , if you are married or coupled up and fancy a bit on the side go to 'Iwantabitontheside.com' you will very rarely find females who would be quite happy to fornicate with a guy who's so cheap he needs to cheat on his wife/girlfriend through a free networking site. It's naff it's not nice and you're an a$$hole.

And number 5. Be Original - be cheeky, smart, different, actually read the stuff on my profile don't try to wing it with a cut and paste number that just screams 'I'm desperate for a shag, anybody will do' it just makes my blood curdle that anyone would think I would actually have the time or the energy to reply to you!!

And to hark back to my initial bugbear, don't look for opportunities where there are none, if a girl puts an ad up looking for a flat that's all she is doing, it isn't an under-handed attempt at publicising my phone number for all and sundry to see.

Besides it's there in plain view in the third gentleman's toilet cubicle of the Twisted Wheel, right under the 'I heart Dildos' inscription next to the handle.


Gripe over.

Lx

Scruffs versus Suits

New blog coming up discussing the universal debate between women the world over...the scruff or the suit? Answers on a postcard please, my very own opinion to follow suit.

Men...metaphorically speaking

I've spent last 3 hours with my head in the books, nae Cosmo, nae TV Guide, no not even the Johnny Depp Scrapbook number under my bed....I'm talking serious Business School stuff and I know I'm really meant to keep within the realms of Publics and Private sectors, and Non-Profit Co-operatives and all that la dee dah nonsense but I couldnt help butnotice how successfully Morgan's Metaphors (on how to describe aspects of business)...can be applied to men.

Let me see............

Machine - require lubrication from a substance made out of hops and barley on a regular basis, says it helps them relax and stops them becoming stiff, on some occasions however prone to dysfunction and floppiness.

Organism - Your bed becomes a Kim and Aggie special.

Brain - If not located in trouser department check big toe.

Culture - Some think this is a visit to their local which is over a 100 years old (and smells like it too), some think it's the now extinct cousin of that large winged creature that circles decimated carcasses in the Sahara desert.

Political System - If not Rangers then Celtic, if not Celtic then eeny meeny miny mo or the team with the nicest colour of scarf.

Psychic Prison - Once you have kids with him you KNOW you're the one stuck in alone on a Friday night, you just KNOW it.

Flux and transformations - once flux happens watch him transform into a pile of blubbering and snoring ridulous-ness while you sleep in the wet patch.

Vehicle of dominance - yes that is what he calls that monster sitting in your driveway, what he doesn't realise is that even if he did add a rear neon chassis, bumper kit and sporty aqua blue steering wheel its still a 10 year old Vauxhall Astra that breaks down at roundabouts with no air con.

Hm....just a thought.

Lx