I just wanted everyone to know that I am completely, utterly, totally and unashamedly in love with Stretch Rodger...
My strong, prepossessing, passionate Prince you make me want to believe in God because to believe you are the result of some fluke Universal accident is to believe that we weren't meant to meet and I was never meant to be yours since the day I was born.
I want to do nothing but cherish and dote on you Stretch, and give into you and be yours forever and to be your angel and guard you passionately as if my life depended on it.
You are the first man I ever truly loved and the last man I will ever kiss, I just want to thank you for being in my life baby, can't wait to start a new era with you.
Lots of love
Your Panda
Tuesday, 5 October 2010
Saturday, 13 February 2010
First Date with a Vamp - A Short Story Numero 1
I love the Twilight books at the moment but have to admit there's one thing that has been niggling me, what would a first date with a vampire really be like?
Sally looked for her favourite red shoes, no simple task in the dark but Leo preferred candlelight and to prevent disaster she had removed every bulb in the house hours earlier.
She checked her reflection and thought about him. His beautiful dark eyes, that jet black hair, those pecs ...ever since she had first seen him she had wanted him, adored him, watched women fawn over him and now, after some outrageous flirting on her part, she was finally getting her first date with him.
Sally checked her reflection; she looked luminescent, positively glowing in the candlelight. Just then a smooth voice growled.
‘Am I welcome in?’
‘Mmm, of course you are’ she croaked trying but failing to keep her excitement hidden.
‘Just thought I’d check’ he grinned as he stepped in from the darkened hallway. He walked across the room, extinguishing every candle on the way.
‘I like you in the moonlight.’ He moved closer to her side his hand moving slowly from the curve of her waist to her hip. ‘I’m sorry I ‘m late for our first date sweetness, everyone seems to want a piece of me at the moment, you know how it is.’
Sally smiled, remembering the first time their eyes met was on a movie set. He had been an advisor for an exciting new film, she the runner. But while she lay languishing in the shadows of the unknown he had become more famous than the film’s stars.
‘That’s fine, can I get you anything, I wasn’t sure what you...ate’ Sally hesitated as she spoke and watched him smile slightly as he caught her meaning.
‘Just some wine will do dear lady, to match those ravishing lips of yours.’
The coolness of his touch began to bring on a sensation in the pit of her stomach that would all too soon turn into volcanic rumbling if left unabated. ‘Do you mind if I eat?’ Sally asked.
‘Of course darling. I would love nothing better than to watch that beautiful mouth of yours as it... eats’ he inhaled sharply then let out a long deep groan. Sally flinched and drew back.
‘God what’s that smell!’ ...she cried before she could stop herself.
‘Sor...sorry I, I guess I was a bit frugal with the mouth spray tonight, I need to have it specially made for my, well my condition and I’m running out...’Leo stuttered, hiding his mouth behind the sleeve of his coat.
‘God I’m so sorry’, Sally cried ‘I’m such an idiot! ‘The stench had just caught her so off guard. ‘Please forgive me. Listen I’ll just serve myself some food, I’ve had a glass of wine already and think it’s gone to my head!’
Leo’s expression gradually changed from hurt to naughty as it so often did and he followed her to the kitchen, watching intensely as she pulled the steak from the grill then added some crushed...
‘Garlic! he shrieked and flew across the room to the doorway again.
‘Oh God! Oh damn I can’t believe what an idiot I am being.’
Sally ran to the window and threw the full dish out, plate and all. Tears began to well as she slumped onto the floor, her face in her hands.
‘I’m such a fool, how could I ever think I would be good enough for you when I can’t even get our first date right’
Leo lifted her up from her knees and stroked her hair soothingly.
‘There there, its ok it just takes a bit of getting used to. Come here so I can hold you tight my dear girl’
Sally pulled in close then looked up at him, that beautiful perfect porcelain face. Wanting so much to feel his lips on hers she drew her face closer to his. He pulled back.
‘Um sorry I can’t kiss you I might bite’
‘Oh.’
‘Come on lets just cuddle up here on the sofa.’
Sally began to tremble as he pulled her in tight,
‘Oh you’re so cold’ she exclaimed.
‘Ah right...do you perhaps have a hot water bottle, sometimes that helps?
‘Um yes tell you what I can go get it, why don’t you choose the DVD?
‘Ok.’
Silence.
‘Er Sally... who is this?’
‘Who’s what?’
‘On your TV there’s a black and white picture.’
‘Oh that’s my Great Grandma Jean, she was only 20 when that was...Leo are you ok?’
‘Oh dear Sally’
‘Yes?’
‘I seem to have slept with your Grandmother’
‘What?’
‘It was many moons ago, when I was well, alive...I remember her because she wore that exact same hat in b...
‘Okay no need to go any further’
‘Oh yes sorry about that...um I think perhaps its best I go. Something tells me this was just not meant to be, so sorry Sally, you really are the most exquisite woman I’ve met in many a century.’
He leaned out and slowly kissed her hand, the cool touch of his lips permeated through her skin.
‘Leo before you go....’ Sally whispered.
‘Yes my dear?’
‘Can you leave my cat?’
‘Ah yes sorry...bad habit.’
The End
Sally looked for her favourite red shoes, no simple task in the dark but Leo preferred candlelight and to prevent disaster she had removed every bulb in the house hours earlier.
She checked her reflection and thought about him. His beautiful dark eyes, that jet black hair, those pecs ...ever since she had first seen him she had wanted him, adored him, watched women fawn over him and now, after some outrageous flirting on her part, she was finally getting her first date with him.
Sally checked her reflection; she looked luminescent, positively glowing in the candlelight. Just then a smooth voice growled.
‘Am I welcome in?’
‘Mmm, of course you are’ she croaked trying but failing to keep her excitement hidden.
‘Just thought I’d check’ he grinned as he stepped in from the darkened hallway. He walked across the room, extinguishing every candle on the way.
‘I like you in the moonlight.’ He moved closer to her side his hand moving slowly from the curve of her waist to her hip. ‘I’m sorry I ‘m late for our first date sweetness, everyone seems to want a piece of me at the moment, you know how it is.’
Sally smiled, remembering the first time their eyes met was on a movie set. He had been an advisor for an exciting new film, she the runner. But while she lay languishing in the shadows of the unknown he had become more famous than the film’s stars.
‘That’s fine, can I get you anything, I wasn’t sure what you...ate’ Sally hesitated as she spoke and watched him smile slightly as he caught her meaning.
‘Just some wine will do dear lady, to match those ravishing lips of yours.’
The coolness of his touch began to bring on a sensation in the pit of her stomach that would all too soon turn into volcanic rumbling if left unabated. ‘Do you mind if I eat?’ Sally asked.
‘Of course darling. I would love nothing better than to watch that beautiful mouth of yours as it... eats’ he inhaled sharply then let out a long deep groan. Sally flinched and drew back.
‘God what’s that smell!’ ...she cried before she could stop herself.
‘Sor...sorry I, I guess I was a bit frugal with the mouth spray tonight, I need to have it specially made for my, well my condition and I’m running out...’Leo stuttered, hiding his mouth behind the sleeve of his coat.
‘God I’m so sorry’, Sally cried ‘I’m such an idiot! ‘The stench had just caught her so off guard. ‘Please forgive me. Listen I’ll just serve myself some food, I’ve had a glass of wine already and think it’s gone to my head!’
Leo’s expression gradually changed from hurt to naughty as it so often did and he followed her to the kitchen, watching intensely as she pulled the steak from the grill then added some crushed...
‘Garlic! he shrieked and flew across the room to the doorway again.
‘Oh God! Oh damn I can’t believe what an idiot I am being.’
Sally ran to the window and threw the full dish out, plate and all. Tears began to well as she slumped onto the floor, her face in her hands.
‘I’m such a fool, how could I ever think I would be good enough for you when I can’t even get our first date right’
Leo lifted her up from her knees and stroked her hair soothingly.
‘There there, its ok it just takes a bit of getting used to. Come here so I can hold you tight my dear girl’
Sally pulled in close then looked up at him, that beautiful perfect porcelain face. Wanting so much to feel his lips on hers she drew her face closer to his. He pulled back.
‘Um sorry I can’t kiss you I might bite’
‘Oh.’
‘Come on lets just cuddle up here on the sofa.’
Sally began to tremble as he pulled her in tight,
‘Oh you’re so cold’ she exclaimed.
‘Ah right...do you perhaps have a hot water bottle, sometimes that helps?
‘Um yes tell you what I can go get it, why don’t you choose the DVD?
‘Ok.’
Silence.
‘Er Sally... who is this?’
‘Who’s what?’
‘On your TV there’s a black and white picture.’
‘Oh that’s my Great Grandma Jean, she was only 20 when that was...Leo are you ok?’
‘Oh dear Sally’
‘Yes?’
‘I seem to have slept with your Grandmother’
‘What?’
‘It was many moons ago, when I was well, alive...I remember her because she wore that exact same hat in b...
‘Okay no need to go any further’
‘Oh yes sorry about that...um I think perhaps its best I go. Something tells me this was just not meant to be, so sorry Sally, you really are the most exquisite woman I’ve met in many a century.’
He leaned out and slowly kissed her hand, the cool touch of his lips permeated through her skin.
‘Leo before you go....’ Sally whispered.
‘Yes my dear?’
‘Can you leave my cat?’
‘Ah yes sorry...bad habit.’
The End
We Fight we Break up we Kiss we Make Up
So it's the day before Valentines day, the day which will be the first marker post New Year dumping and I'm looking on it slightfully fearfully as if all special occasions (pagan, commercialised or otherwise) in my life will bring some sort of mini or major life disaster.
After yet another night of vino, music and dancing on the cobbled streets of the West End I have found myself lying in bed with not a person but a laptop at my side, and although yes I do find myself asking whether it would be better if he was there instead I've started to find the bed more comfortably roomy, than empty now. The pangs of regret have kind of dulled and 9 times out of 10 I feel optimism as opposed to anything else. I feel empathy, I have started understanding his actions more and maybe I am kidding myself but putting myself in his shoes has helped me I only wish sometimes he would put himself in mine.
5 Things I have Worked out about Men - I shall quote Katy Perry - who are Hot 'n' Cold
1. The Ostrich Approach - yes right up there at number 1 is the old burying-his-head-in-the- sand-routine, an oldie but a goodie. If you aren't there you don't exist, if he keeps busy he has nothing to think about and if he doesnt look at his mobile you won't have texted. Yes you know he has a great time when you are together but not enough to bear any imprint on his mind afterwards obviously.
2. Excuses, Excuses, Excuses - he has great excuses for everything. You give him get out clauses all the way, damn you throw that boy out the door because quite frankly you would rather he told you he was going out with his mates so you can organise your night better, but instead there will be last minute changes by him which have either been known for weeks but forgotten about or happened last minute meaning you are low on the pecking order, or some bus was on fire so him and his mates managed to put it out with nothing but bottles of Evian to aid them, they saved the orphaned school children and after shedding tears of joy and much bonhomie they decided the only way to maintain this feeling of complete enlightenment , would be to go out get hammered and not come back til the next day. Okay maybe that hasn't happened so far but you kind of end up on tenterhooks waiting for the next instalment, almost contemplating getting the popcorn out...
3. They are CONFUSING! - he doesn't want to feel neglected, ignored or to know that you are having a good time. But he won't show that in an obvious way i.e the text asking what you are doing that night, whether you would be home, it would be cool if you are but if you're not it's ok, but no really actually stay out have fun!' You ask him the same and he is stumped as to why you need to know and you are like 'Are you for frickin real!?'
THANK YOU 'STRETCH' FOR POINTING OUT THAT THIS IS BASICALLY A CASE OF 'I CAN'T HAVE YOU BUT DON'T WANT ANYONE ELSE TO HAVE YOU', IT SUCKS BUT THERE YOU GO.
4. No Pressure - he will call, text, organise a date, compliment you but only when he wants to. You so much as look at him the wrong way and he jumps like a cat in bath water. You back away, he comes forward, you come forward he backs away, it would almost be poetic were it not the fact you wanted to rip his bloody face off!
5. He Loco - you have decided enough is enough, you realise that you are not the psycho he is and that life is too short for putting up with someone who you have come to depend on to make you happy so you take away his control of that and make your own happiness instead and realise that it's not as scary as it first seemed. Then he'll reel you back in again, because right now you have a little chip in your head that is telling you, you are still his. And so the cycle continues...if you let it that is.
Let me explain it like this you are most probably at that stage in a relationship (or post-relationship in my case) where it's so much easier to just accept a situation because at least now you have learned to accept it and well it's not as if he's cheating is it? But think about how much time you spend trying to sort his life out, sort his mess of a head out, help him decide one way or the other what he wants and think about what you get back for that. It probably bears nothing in relation, do you think he spends this much time thinking about you? In short no it's highly unlikely but he has the addedbonus of being able to hold his own life down quite well and having you there as back-up should he need it.
Get rid of him. Just back off and be you again and stop letting this guy do this to you. Stop worrying no one will match up because I've been out there and I've seen the talent and ladies...it is GOOOOOOOOD.
10 Things you Need to Do Now!
1. Go out more
2. Start flirting again
3. Stop waiting for his texts
4. Concentrate on another area of your life, no doubt they've gone to pot of late
5. Get the weight down a bit
6. Laugh more
7. Work harder
8. Look out for opportunities
9. Love yourself
10. Who's he again?
;)
xx
Monday, 4 January 2010
DUMPED!
Ladies who've been dumped? I hear ya, loud and clear. After days of non-eating, of varying degrees of mentalness, of surfing soyou'vebeendumped.com and other relationship websites for ways to 'get over my ex quickly', 'to get over a broken heart' and even 'how to get my ex back again' I have had enough. I have deleted every text I've sent and received from him but am pretty sure his phone is still full of what can only be called the words of a pschizophrenic loon who swings from being loving and forgiving to wanting to burn his clothes and cut off his balls to prevent any more of his devil spawn being borne into this world.
I can't say I have accepted the whole thing very well. The shock prevented me, to be told he loves me one day to being told he doesn't the next is like a cold slap of water on the face. The gut twists into a knot, the heart feels like it is about to burst and sometimes your breath catches like the whole respiratory process has just failed you for a moment and you start hating every couple that walks past you in the street. Every sad song makes you weep, he is now officially elevated to god-like status and he can do no wrong., Whats worse is he gives you small chinks of possibility, the fact he might try again, the fact he still loves you, the fact you know other things in his life aren't perfect so just possibly, just maybe... he's blaming this wrongly on you. But then you realise that the light has gone from his eyes, he avoids you as much as possible and no amount of cleavage exhibition or funny one-liners are ever going to change that back.
So you revert to the easiest way to get over him..and that's to knock him from his pedestal and see his flaws. The burping, farting, long working hours, untameable beer belly, monobrow and inability to watch films with subtitles as they make him ill (no I didnt make this up) and you embed this picture of him in your head. You stop thinking about the cuddles in bed at night, the flowers he'd buy you, the holiday that was planned, the texts just saying 'I love you' and you start making him into this cold-hearted robot that dishes out bullsh*t lines that convert you into a bubbling mess, that pets you every so often just to build that false security ever so high and then BAM! the robot hits you smack in the stomach, screaming in Dalek tones 'Ha you'll never do that again girl now will you!?' You are an innocent again, a child who wants someone to just look after you and say everythings ok and your friends become your backbone and they do everything they can for you but you know that the only way you are going to get over this, is if you become the person you were, the person you were meant to be before you let the wrong one in.
But I have to agree with the well-read quote 'Better to have loved and lost to never have loved at all'. Previously I had thought of myself as a kind of 'Tinman', always very nice to people yes, in fact very charming but I just didnt have a heart. I could click my fingers and change my feelings for someone. Right now I wish I could click my red heels and all this would be over but if anything I have that passion again, that need to smack life's bum until it's red raw and ready to do what it's told. I know that this may take a few weeks, months maybe, this relationship wasn't for me in the end but I am a better person than I was before, I am more appreciative of how love with the right person can feel and of the fact that no matter how involved you get that you should never change yourself or allow someone to become your life, you only have that one chance.
For anyone else that's currently going through this, be strong, use your friends and family that's what they are there for and don't make 2010 a year of mourning make it a year of change. Contact me if you'd like to just let off steam, writing things down, letting them out has been amazing and I don't mind sharing any other tips I've been using to move on.
Nice to be back everyone, hopefully better than before.
;)
LP xx
I can't say I have accepted the whole thing very well. The shock prevented me, to be told he loves me one day to being told he doesn't the next is like a cold slap of water on the face. The gut twists into a knot, the heart feels like it is about to burst and sometimes your breath catches like the whole respiratory process has just failed you for a moment and you start hating every couple that walks past you in the street. Every sad song makes you weep, he is now officially elevated to god-like status and he can do no wrong., Whats worse is he gives you small chinks of possibility, the fact he might try again, the fact he still loves you, the fact you know other things in his life aren't perfect so just possibly, just maybe... he's blaming this wrongly on you. But then you realise that the light has gone from his eyes, he avoids you as much as possible and no amount of cleavage exhibition or funny one-liners are ever going to change that back.
So you revert to the easiest way to get over him..and that's to knock him from his pedestal and see his flaws. The burping, farting, long working hours, untameable beer belly, monobrow and inability to watch films with subtitles as they make him ill (no I didnt make this up) and you embed this picture of him in your head. You stop thinking about the cuddles in bed at night, the flowers he'd buy you, the holiday that was planned, the texts just saying 'I love you' and you start making him into this cold-hearted robot that dishes out bullsh*t lines that convert you into a bubbling mess, that pets you every so often just to build that false security ever so high and then BAM! the robot hits you smack in the stomach, screaming in Dalek tones 'Ha you'll never do that again girl now will you!?' You are an innocent again, a child who wants someone to just look after you and say everythings ok and your friends become your backbone and they do everything they can for you but you know that the only way you are going to get over this, is if you become the person you were, the person you were meant to be before you let the wrong one in.
But I have to agree with the well-read quote 'Better to have loved and lost to never have loved at all'. Previously I had thought of myself as a kind of 'Tinman', always very nice to people yes, in fact very charming but I just didnt have a heart. I could click my fingers and change my feelings for someone. Right now I wish I could click my red heels and all this would be over but if anything I have that passion again, that need to smack life's bum until it's red raw and ready to do what it's told. I know that this may take a few weeks, months maybe, this relationship wasn't for me in the end but I am a better person than I was before, I am more appreciative of how love with the right person can feel and of the fact that no matter how involved you get that you should never change yourself or allow someone to become your life, you only have that one chance.
For anyone else that's currently going through this, be strong, use your friends and family that's what they are there for and don't make 2010 a year of mourning make it a year of change. Contact me if you'd like to just let off steam, writing things down, letting them out has been amazing and I don't mind sharing any other tips I've been using to move on.
Nice to be back everyone, hopefully better than before.
;)
LP xx
Wednesday, 16 September 2009
Let's Get Physical
As I haphazardly peel the lycra jogging pants over my blubbery waist I am reminded of what a baby must feel like when finally relieving itself from it's mother's comforting and cosy womb. This isn't pretty. Perhaps I should have been more like the girl on the Special K advert and plastered pictures of myself looking trim and wonderful in a bikini all over vending machines, fridges and cookie jars but trying to find said picture in the first place has been akin to looking for a long lost dead sea scroll.
A little sigh escapes as the waist band begins to cut off blood flow.
My first aerobics class in 2 years, how on Earth am I going to cope? I have visions of myself dropping to the ground after 10 minutes with heart failure, everyone's last sight of me will be dribble rolling from the side of my contorted mouth and the paramedic shoe-horning me out of my Adidas tracksuit bottoms to stabilise circulation once more.
Who the hell chooses aerobics as a means of easing oneself into a relaxing exercise regime?? I am severely doubting my ability to make decisions without adult supervision and am finding more and more of these bright ideas seem to be whilst under the influence, in fact my last 3 boyfriends are prime example of this!
Okay it's countdown time, 1 minute then I have to leave. My friend will be waiting outside my door and has been told to use any means required to extract me from my habitat. She is a tiger. I can't afford a replacement door. So I must go.
Goodbye all. Goodbye.
LPx
A little sigh escapes as the waist band begins to cut off blood flow.
My first aerobics class in 2 years, how on Earth am I going to cope? I have visions of myself dropping to the ground after 10 minutes with heart failure, everyone's last sight of me will be dribble rolling from the side of my contorted mouth and the paramedic shoe-horning me out of my Adidas tracksuit bottoms to stabilise circulation once more.
Who the hell chooses aerobics as a means of easing oneself into a relaxing exercise regime?? I am severely doubting my ability to make decisions without adult supervision and am finding more and more of these bright ideas seem to be whilst under the influence, in fact my last 3 boyfriends are prime example of this!
Okay it's countdown time, 1 minute then I have to leave. My friend will be waiting outside my door and has been told to use any means required to extract me from my habitat. She is a tiger. I can't afford a replacement door. So I must go.
Goodbye all. Goodbye.
LPx
Sunday, 6 September 2009
Pandora Presents...
It's really so easy to daydream your life away. This has been worrying me for a while because I have a tendency to have little flights of fancy that I grow out of or start projects that I never really finish but it seems that either I have grown up or I have come to realise that any creativity or ambition left is slowly but surely going to disappear altogether!
I, no doubt like millions of other people on this planet, have many dreams. So many that it hardly seemed possible to fill them before all but just recently I thought 'Why don't I just start by fulfilling one?' SO I began with the writing thing which is going not too badly thank you very much!(hence the lacksidaisical updating of this here blog..sorry) am getting paid real money just to write, stilll pinching myself about it and then I decided to set up a gig night, one where the bands are actually decent, where they actually make money and where people are having so much fun they just don't want to leave and you know what I think it's really going to work! I'm also starting my own company, quirky reliable PR staff who are paid well...a simple idea but having happy staff is something businesses just seem to neglect nowadays.
By taking each of my dreams on one by one I'm ticking off the virtual list that has been steadily building up in the back of my mind for years. Of course the list is still long, but achievement is an incredible thing it spurs people, it makes people happy no matter how precarious their situation is, this feeling is just incredibly sweet and tingly.
Anyway onwards and upwards, if you'd like to come see what I'm talking about please feel free to attend my night 'Pandora Presents....' at Cosmopol, Glasgow on 26th September. It will have female acts such as the Jigawotts, Fee and the Urges, PJMamma and Outi Karhula as well as a great guest band still to be confirmed. The great thing is you don't even have to leave to go clubbing as there will be a DJ set in to the wee small hours. Come drink some Pandora Punch, eat some Lipstick Cupcakes and have a great chat.
Love
Pandora xx
I, no doubt like millions of other people on this planet, have many dreams. So many that it hardly seemed possible to fill them before all but just recently I thought 'Why don't I just start by fulfilling one?' SO I began with the writing thing which is going not too badly thank you very much!(hence the lacksidaisical updating of this here blog..sorry) am getting paid real money just to write, stilll pinching myself about it and then I decided to set up a gig night, one where the bands are actually decent, where they actually make money and where people are having so much fun they just don't want to leave and you know what I think it's really going to work! I'm also starting my own company, quirky reliable PR staff who are paid well...a simple idea but having happy staff is something businesses just seem to neglect nowadays.
By taking each of my dreams on one by one I'm ticking off the virtual list that has been steadily building up in the back of my mind for years. Of course the list is still long, but achievement is an incredible thing it spurs people, it makes people happy no matter how precarious their situation is, this feeling is just incredibly sweet and tingly.
Anyway onwards and upwards, if you'd like to come see what I'm talking about please feel free to attend my night 'Pandora Presents....' at Cosmopol, Glasgow on 26th September. It will have female acts such as the Jigawotts, Fee and the Urges, PJMamma and Outi Karhula as well as a great guest band still to be confirmed. The great thing is you don't even have to leave to go clubbing as there will be a DJ set in to the wee small hours. Come drink some Pandora Punch, eat some Lipstick Cupcakes and have a great chat.
Love
Pandora xx
Friday, 31 July 2009
Leggings, Kissing and Other things
Dearie me,
31st July already and I haven't even done half of what I thought I'd do by this point. Getting a little edgy to be truthful with you, perhaps more to do with my living and work situation right now than anything else but it is amazing how we all seem to settle into our own little habits. Think about it, if someone was to write a book about the last 12 months what would it be? A tearjerker? Chick lit? Thriller? Comedy?
I think at the moment mine would be a comedy horror. Like psychoville. Am surrounded by legging clad clones, same blow dryed and straightened hair-dos, neon bangles and orange faces, different mobile phone covers...
If I'm sounding bitchy I'm not, yes all these young girls are at least 10 years younger than me have their whole lives ahead of them and the teeniest tiniest waists I have ever seen but COME ON strive to be at least a little bit different for God's sake! I want to cry out to them in the street, beg them to get rid of the leggings and shove on a cute wee polka dot dress or a cheap little vintage number from the local Cancer Research shop but I feel my cries of encouragement would be ignored so I walk on, high heels clapping along the pavement, tugging up the stockings and drawing in my calorie laden tum. Ah I weep......
..BUT on a lighter note I have some lover-ly things going on. I don't have Swine Flu hoorah! I am no longer employed so am now free to get creative woo hoo! And even better I have my first writing job yee hee! So this part of my life is going swimmingly, even a little bit of romance in the air but that is where I leave it as I cannot divulge anything further. Instead I will leave you with some lovely little facts about kissing and how women go about choosing their men.
1. The 5 characteristics that women like in a man are Strong, well-bred, far-seeing, caring, self-confident
I will vouch for this one although have dated a well-bred gent who showed me how I should sip from my spoon before and that was a slight turn off.
2. 3 long smooches a day can not only make for a charged atmosphere, but if done over a year can relieve you of over a kilogram of weight
I am all for this as a dieting technique, bring on the lip salve yee ha!
3. Men who kiss their ladies before they leave the door live 5 years longer
I have no idea how on earth they managed to find this one out!!
4. Some women are known to reach orgasm during a kiss
This has happened to me before although I was having sex at the time.
5. The average female kisses about 80 men before she gets married
Wrong! The average female kisses 50 men before she's married, unfortunately I myself seem to have increased the average somehwat...
6. About 90 tonnes of lipstick a year is eaten by men
This is a disgusting habit which I feel should be banned this instant!
7. In the throes of love it is scientifically proven that people who are depressed or have been ill long term actually get better
There you go Mr Brown, instead of putting people on the sick you should be getting people on dating sites save yourself a fortune!
8. It has been scientifically proven that when in love the activity in an individuals brain is almost identical to someone who is intoxicated.
I am always intoxicated so no comment.
Remember to say white rabbits tomorrow morning Kittens
Mmmwaah!
LPx
31st July already and I haven't even done half of what I thought I'd do by this point. Getting a little edgy to be truthful with you, perhaps more to do with my living and work situation right now than anything else but it is amazing how we all seem to settle into our own little habits. Think about it, if someone was to write a book about the last 12 months what would it be? A tearjerker? Chick lit? Thriller? Comedy?
I think at the moment mine would be a comedy horror. Like psychoville. Am surrounded by legging clad clones, same blow dryed and straightened hair-dos, neon bangles and orange faces, different mobile phone covers...
If I'm sounding bitchy I'm not, yes all these young girls are at least 10 years younger than me have their whole lives ahead of them and the teeniest tiniest waists I have ever seen but COME ON strive to be at least a little bit different for God's sake! I want to cry out to them in the street, beg them to get rid of the leggings and shove on a cute wee polka dot dress or a cheap little vintage number from the local Cancer Research shop but I feel my cries of encouragement would be ignored so I walk on, high heels clapping along the pavement, tugging up the stockings and drawing in my calorie laden tum. Ah I weep......
..BUT on a lighter note I have some lover-ly things going on. I don't have Swine Flu hoorah! I am no longer employed so am now free to get creative woo hoo! And even better I have my first writing job yee hee! So this part of my life is going swimmingly, even a little bit of romance in the air but that is where I leave it as I cannot divulge anything further. Instead I will leave you with some lovely little facts about kissing and how women go about choosing their men.
1. The 5 characteristics that women like in a man are Strong, well-bred, far-seeing, caring, self-confident
I will vouch for this one although have dated a well-bred gent who showed me how I should sip from my spoon before and that was a slight turn off.
2. 3 long smooches a day can not only make for a charged atmosphere, but if done over a year can relieve you of over a kilogram of weight
I am all for this as a dieting technique, bring on the lip salve yee ha!
3. Men who kiss their ladies before they leave the door live 5 years longer
I have no idea how on earth they managed to find this one out!!
4. Some women are known to reach orgasm during a kiss
This has happened to me before although I was having sex at the time.
5. The average female kisses about 80 men before she gets married
Wrong! The average female kisses 50 men before she's married, unfortunately I myself seem to have increased the average somehwat...
6. About 90 tonnes of lipstick a year is eaten by men
This is a disgusting habit which I feel should be banned this instant!
7. In the throes of love it is scientifically proven that people who are depressed or have been ill long term actually get better
There you go Mr Brown, instead of putting people on the sick you should be getting people on dating sites save yourself a fortune!
8. It has been scientifically proven that when in love the activity in an individuals brain is almost identical to someone who is intoxicated.
I am always intoxicated so no comment.
Remember to say white rabbits tomorrow morning Kittens
Mmmwaah!
LPx
Tuesday, 9 June 2009
Lily Bollinger Quote on her partiality to champagne, my kind of girl....
"I drink it when I'm happy and when I'm sad.Sometimes I drink it when I'm alone.When I have company I consider it obligatory.I trifle with it if I'm not hungry and I drink it when I am.Otherwise I never touch it, unless I'm thirsty."
Thursday, 14 May 2009
Follow Me Where 'er I Go
I have always wondered what kind of person follows my blog so have decided to add the little 'Followers' Gadget to the right hand side (d'ya see it y'all?). Please feel free to add yourself would be delighted to see all your lovely mugs :)
LPx
LPx
Wednesday, 13 May 2009
OMG did I just do that?????
So far this week I have been sent two texts that weren't originally meant for me, one was an ex telling his new gf a complete and utter untruth about something I said ( retort did follow, I believe said ex was suitably shamed) and another from a guy I went on one date with (a long time ago)to what was obviously a new 'friend', more of which I will tell you later. These reminded me of one of the MANY erroneous text/email situations I have had.
I remember one time a friend and I were having the usual bored email chat in work. Conversation swiftly but inevitably turned to 'The Office Hottie' whom we had both secretly salivated over for years and as always we reverted into various steamy but funny anecdotes about what we would do if we ever got our hands on him (No longer at this particular workplace thank God as am sure I would have been sacked for sexual harrassment by now). I can't really remember what this particular email said but am fairly sure it involved stationary cupboards, blindfolds and fruit! Anyway as I clicked on the send button, I suddenly experienced a moment of complete clarity, as if the right side of my brain had turned itself on just for this one defining moment, a last ditch attempt at saving me from what was surely to come. I moved my cursor to the sent items folder and there to my complete and utter horror I could see I had sent the email about the Hottie TO THE HOTTIE!!!
Even now a trickle of perspiration runs down my face as I remember slowly crouching under my desk to escape seeing the Hottie's reaction. After about 5 minutes of hogging office floor I decided to brave it. If indeed 'The Hottie' was, as I imagined, at that very moment convulsing with pee-inducing laughter I could handle it I would just send a email saying 'it was a joke, just brightening your day, let's change the subject blah de blah ha ha so funny Gad I kill myself sometimes anyway how's your mum, dead? Oh sorry didn't know that....' I had it all planned.
So I perched on my seat all lady-like, pretended to type and twitchingly peered past my monitor to see what the aftermath of this atrocious calamity was...and to my surprise...and complete delight he wasn't there!!!! After a quick think I managed to salvage the situation by hanging around his desk until he got back, told him the basic version of the story about sending him an email instead of someone else and I would be mortified if he read it etc etc and he, being the total gentleman that he is, allowed me to take over his pc and delete every shred of evidence from it! Reputation Saved!
Anyway, can you imagine what it would feel like to send the wrong person a text describing your dirtiest sex habits? Including the size of your member (glad date number 2 didn't go ahead), how 'unclean 'you like the girl to be and the various names you like to be called during the dirty deed? I feel for this guy I really do, especially when he sent a follow up text saying 'Oh my God, no way did I just send that to you!! I am so so so sorry!' Bless him. I am quite obviously not going to name and shame but fella if you ever read this you need to improve your sexy chat technique and do what every other guy does and add a couple of inches.
I remember one time a friend and I were having the usual bored email chat in work. Conversation swiftly but inevitably turned to 'The Office Hottie' whom we had both secretly salivated over for years and as always we reverted into various steamy but funny anecdotes about what we would do if we ever got our hands on him (No longer at this particular workplace thank God as am sure I would have been sacked for sexual harrassment by now). I can't really remember what this particular email said but am fairly sure it involved stationary cupboards, blindfolds and fruit! Anyway as I clicked on the send button, I suddenly experienced a moment of complete clarity, as if the right side of my brain had turned itself on just for this one defining moment, a last ditch attempt at saving me from what was surely to come. I moved my cursor to the sent items folder and there to my complete and utter horror I could see I had sent the email about the Hottie TO THE HOTTIE!!!
Even now a trickle of perspiration runs down my face as I remember slowly crouching under my desk to escape seeing the Hottie's reaction. After about 5 minutes of hogging office floor I decided to brave it. If indeed 'The Hottie' was, as I imagined, at that very moment convulsing with pee-inducing laughter I could handle it I would just send a email saying 'it was a joke, just brightening your day, let's change the subject blah de blah ha ha so funny Gad I kill myself sometimes anyway how's your mum, dead? Oh sorry didn't know that....' I had it all planned.
So I perched on my seat all lady-like, pretended to type and twitchingly peered past my monitor to see what the aftermath of this atrocious calamity was...and to my surprise...and complete delight he wasn't there!!!! After a quick think I managed to salvage the situation by hanging around his desk until he got back, told him the basic version of the story about sending him an email instead of someone else and I would be mortified if he read it etc etc and he, being the total gentleman that he is, allowed me to take over his pc and delete every shred of evidence from it! Reputation Saved!
Anyway, can you imagine what it would feel like to send the wrong person a text describing your dirtiest sex habits? Including the size of your member (glad date number 2 didn't go ahead), how 'unclean 'you like the girl to be and the various names you like to be called during the dirty deed? I feel for this guy I really do, especially when he sent a follow up text saying 'Oh my God, no way did I just send that to you!! I am so so so sorry!' Bless him. I am quite obviously not going to name and shame but fella if you ever read this you need to improve your sexy chat technique and do what every other guy does and add a couple of inches.
Alli...
I am fond of cheating when it comes to dieting, in fact it really gives me a buzz to be able to stick my tongue out at all those dull as dishwater scientists who insist 'eating sensibly and regular exercise will ensure consistent and safe weight loss' blah blah yada yada. I don't want to lose weight over a year I want to lose weight now!!!!
However after spending many many years getting to know myself I am aware of my failings when it comes to my constant efforts at losing weight and that is I don't do 'extreme'. Yes I want to lose weight quickly and I am quite certain about that fact but I don't like the ways in which you need to do this. I didn't do the maple syrup diet because I don't like maple syrup, Cabbage soup made me retch, 5 days on the first stage of Atkins and I started craving vodka and porridge so much I had contemplated blending the 2 together for a drunken power breakfast, 2 days on the smoothie diet and my blender broke...basically every effort I have made to lose a few pounds has sunk without trace, squashed by my disgustingly unnatural lack of willpower.
So....
I have decided to try Alli, as the blurb says 'the only FDA approved over-the-counter weight loss product' which can increase your weight loss by 50%... 50%!!!! Does Alli work? It almost seems too good to be true I know but I am satisfied that the far from glamorous side effects (i.e frequent trips to loo, if you're not near one God help you) dims it's perfection somewhat and therefore makes me less suspicious. Apparently (from a completely unscientific perspective) the pill blocks about 25% of fat in your food from absorbing into your system and instead removes it from your body 'naturally' hence the horror stories of midnight trips for Pampers and the suggestion that you keep a spare change of clothes with you 'just in case'
So far this is my third day and so far so good. No embarrassing disasters on buses but I think that's because I am far too afraid to so much as look at never mind taste anything over the recommended fat grams. That's not how the pill is suppose to work but God darn there's nothing like the threat of pooing your pants to stop you reaching for a Greggs Sausage roll!! So here I am banana in hand, contemplating the number of fat grams in a portion of Chickpea Curry and whether my waist band does indeed feel slightly looser or whether I am in fact unconsciously holding my stomach in and living in my own skinny wee fantasy world. Who knows I but think this is one diet remedy I can stick to... as long as my reputation stays in tact.
LP xx
However after spending many many years getting to know myself I am aware of my failings when it comes to my constant efforts at losing weight and that is I don't do 'extreme'. Yes I want to lose weight quickly and I am quite certain about that fact but I don't like the ways in which you need to do this. I didn't do the maple syrup diet because I don't like maple syrup, Cabbage soup made me retch, 5 days on the first stage of Atkins and I started craving vodka and porridge so much I had contemplated blending the 2 together for a drunken power breakfast, 2 days on the smoothie diet and my blender broke...basically every effort I have made to lose a few pounds has sunk without trace, squashed by my disgustingly unnatural lack of willpower.
So....
I have decided to try Alli, as the blurb says 'the only FDA approved over-the-counter weight loss product' which can increase your weight loss by 50%... 50%!!!! Does Alli work? It almost seems too good to be true I know but I am satisfied that the far from glamorous side effects (i.e frequent trips to loo, if you're not near one God help you) dims it's perfection somewhat and therefore makes me less suspicious. Apparently (from a completely unscientific perspective) the pill blocks about 25% of fat in your food from absorbing into your system and instead removes it from your body 'naturally' hence the horror stories of midnight trips for Pampers and the suggestion that you keep a spare change of clothes with you 'just in case'
So far this is my third day and so far so good. No embarrassing disasters on buses but I think that's because I am far too afraid to so much as look at never mind taste anything over the recommended fat grams. That's not how the pill is suppose to work but God darn there's nothing like the threat of pooing your pants to stop you reaching for a Greggs Sausage roll!! So here I am banana in hand, contemplating the number of fat grams in a portion of Chickpea Curry and whether my waist band does indeed feel slightly looser or whether I am in fact unconsciously holding my stomach in and living in my own skinny wee fantasy world. Who knows I but think this is one diet remedy I can stick to... as long as my reputation stays in tact.
LP xx
Monday, 4 May 2009
I think I'm in.....
I think I now know what I've been missing all this time...
The first time eye contact is made, the flush of cheeks, heart beating faster, the realisation that all your life has led to this moment, the anticipation, endless thoughts of the first touch, even more anticipation, dreams at night disrupted at the mere thought of what lies ahead, countdown until the day you are united and then....and then... the shuffle of feet, the knock at the door. You open it. Your brand new ebay purchase has arrived.
Heaven.
Tuesday, 28 April 2009
When fig leaves just seem so much simpler.
I have been and felt far from glamorous lately, this morning was the last straw when I got into work running rather late wearing disgustingly creased trousers and my hair like wurzel gummidge before frizz ease was invented and I owe it to the fact I spend far too much time either chatting to people on MSN, drinking in pubs or watching Nigella Lawson make delectable and just simply orgasssmic darling 3000 calorie cookies. This means clothing is flung on in the 15 minutes I allow myself to get ready in the mornings and all attempts at sophistication fail quicker than a Jodie Marsh makeover.
Now I'm not a morning person, but in the evening all I want to do is cuddle up or go out so I am going to have to give something up if I want to finish my 20's with at least some decorum.
So!
Tomorrow morning the alarm clock is set for half 6, where I will find my clothes beautifully ironed and laid out on the bed for me, my hair will be properly set from the evening before, my nails will be polished and I will even have enough time to apply my foundation properly preventing tidelines and handprints on my nice clean walls. This seems like wishful thinking but am thinking that an early start will encourage me to go to bed earlier which in turn should stop my naughty habits from coming into play. Oh this all sounds so good in theory but why does it never happen in practise!???
Hm perhaps if I do a kind of Bridget Jones type thing and update my times, gym attendance and calories absorbed that day onto the wickedly wild web (aka MY BLOG) it should kick my butt into gear? Okay will give it a bash and I do solemnly swear I will not lie one jot. Apart from when I do go out because after the third glass of wine I'm lucky if I can count my fingers never mind the amount of calories I have consumed but I shall try do my very best and then in turn will contribute to making at least one person's life happier, gleeful in the knowledge their life is far more organised and healthier than mine.
While I'm on the topic of health I am rather perturbed to be hearing that this Mexican Swine flu has made it over to Scotland, anyone else get the feeling the end is nigh? or is just all this sensationalist tabloid nonsense that is getting everyone into an unnecessary tizzy. I am aware of how dangerous this infection is if caught but I just cant stop having visions of Russel Brand saying 'You Swine!!!' my bad?
God you know what I would really love right now? A mentor, you know like a Mister Miyagi type, someone who won't say very much but when they do it's spookily accurate and makes you just think 'Ah I get what you mean'. Someone like Marco Pierre White who can give me positive pieces of advice like 'A tree without roots is just wood' or Ade Edmondson who replied 'A cricket bat with roots..is a tree' you know those kind of people. A psycholoogist I hear you cry? Okay lets skip this subject think my post tea and toast mind has totally lost the plot here.
Sayonara, and remember Danielsun!! Wax on...wax off.. (nice tip for you ladies next time you whip out the old bikini wax ouch )
xxxxxxxxx zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz..
Now I'm not a morning person, but in the evening all I want to do is cuddle up or go out so I am going to have to give something up if I want to finish my 20's with at least some decorum.
So!
Tomorrow morning the alarm clock is set for half 6, where I will find my clothes beautifully ironed and laid out on the bed for me, my hair will be properly set from the evening before, my nails will be polished and I will even have enough time to apply my foundation properly preventing tidelines and handprints on my nice clean walls. This seems like wishful thinking but am thinking that an early start will encourage me to go to bed earlier which in turn should stop my naughty habits from coming into play. Oh this all sounds so good in theory but why does it never happen in practise!???
Hm perhaps if I do a kind of Bridget Jones type thing and update my times, gym attendance and calories absorbed that day onto the wickedly wild web (aka MY BLOG) it should kick my butt into gear? Okay will give it a bash and I do solemnly swear I will not lie one jot. Apart from when I do go out because after the third glass of wine I'm lucky if I can count my fingers never mind the amount of calories I have consumed but I shall try do my very best and then in turn will contribute to making at least one person's life happier, gleeful in the knowledge their life is far more organised and healthier than mine.
While I'm on the topic of health I am rather perturbed to be hearing that this Mexican Swine flu has made it over to Scotland, anyone else get the feeling the end is nigh? or is just all this sensationalist tabloid nonsense that is getting everyone into an unnecessary tizzy. I am aware of how dangerous this infection is if caught but I just cant stop having visions of Russel Brand saying 'You Swine!!!' my bad?
God you know what I would really love right now? A mentor, you know like a Mister Miyagi type, someone who won't say very much but when they do it's spookily accurate and makes you just think 'Ah I get what you mean'. Someone like Marco Pierre White who can give me positive pieces of advice like 'A tree without roots is just wood' or Ade Edmondson who replied 'A cricket bat with roots..is a tree' you know those kind of people. A psycholoogist I hear you cry? Okay lets skip this subject think my post tea and toast mind has totally lost the plot here.
Sayonara, and remember Danielsun!! Wax on...wax off.. (nice tip for you ladies next time you whip out the old bikini wax ouch )
xxxxxxxxx zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz..
Sunday, 5 April 2009
SUN!
The freakin sun's out!!!...LOVE IT!
Small chap thinks I've transported him to Spain overnight so cute but thought I'd latch on to the Catalonian spirit and go smack some sun lotion on us both, worship some sun, indulge in water sports (ok go look for frogspawn in Queen's Park pond) grab a siesta, consume some quesadillas and enjoy some Rodrigues y Gabriella while I'm at it.
Then after wee one is whipped off by Grannykins after tea going with Derren Brown to see Declan Hegarty in Waverley Tearooms, Shawlands. Declan is a lovely wee Irish singer but unfortunately doesn't have many examples of his music online, I will be duly telling him to get that sorted.
Saturday, 4 April 2009
Shopping in Primark.
You are either an Impulse buyer or a Procrastinator in life and looking over the past couple of years I have been of the Impulse buying variety which isn't very wrong but it seems my purchases have been more Bargain Books than Harrods.
The amount of times I have reached for the best china but due to sheer negligence have ended up with the plastic cups and saucers and do you know what ladies and gentlemen I realise now that I deserve much better, in fact we ALL deserve much better than that so the Car Boot sales stop here.
I realise now I've been looking for depth in shallow ponds and it's funny when things become clearer for you. The little things that may have hurt you now seem laughable, the Romeos become Quasimodos and the cheeky chappies turn into Jimmy Krankies. The small flashing lights alerting you to a possible disaster now turn into Foghorns on a clear misty night, the little white lies, the drunken calls, the thoughtless remarks from various sources all gather into one shady character who could be any one of them but now looks like an insignificant, forgotten gargoyle propped on a wrecked old building endlessly peering out on a life that will never change for them.
The decision's made, am going to take my time and seek out the diamond in the rough and suggest everyone else out there does too because while your eyes are trying to find some beauty in the gargoyle the starling could be flying overhead.
And for those of you who do not have a clue what I'm talking about? Good guys do get Jell-o!
;)
LP xx
The amount of times I have reached for the best china but due to sheer negligence have ended up with the plastic cups and saucers and do you know what ladies and gentlemen I realise now that I deserve much better, in fact we ALL deserve much better than that so the Car Boot sales stop here.
I realise now I've been looking for depth in shallow ponds and it's funny when things become clearer for you. The little things that may have hurt you now seem laughable, the Romeos become Quasimodos and the cheeky chappies turn into Jimmy Krankies. The small flashing lights alerting you to a possible disaster now turn into Foghorns on a clear misty night, the little white lies, the drunken calls, the thoughtless remarks from various sources all gather into one shady character who could be any one of them but now looks like an insignificant, forgotten gargoyle propped on a wrecked old building endlessly peering out on a life that will never change for them.
The decision's made, am going to take my time and seek out the diamond in the rough and suggest everyone else out there does too because while your eyes are trying to find some beauty in the gargoyle the starling could be flying overhead.
And for those of you who do not have a clue what I'm talking about? Good guys do get Jell-o!
;)
LP xx
Tuesday, 31 March 2009
Interesting Mating Rituals in the Animal Kingdom
Banana Slugs...
...have a penis the same size as their body which means they need a female the same size as their penis. And what happens if that lil ole weener don't fit? The female gnaws the end off. Nice.
Anglerfish...
....lazy ass sea leeches, as soon as they are done with the party lifestyle their digestive systems shut down which means they can no longer feed themselves. A lightbulb goes 'ting!'and they head off to find the nearest daft female. They then bite said female, releasing an enzyme that bonds their flesh together..FOREVER!! He then proceeds to shoot a dose of love stuff to keep the females eggo everlastingly preggo.
Men...
...are known to latch on to nearest female with a protruding chest and feathered plumes. As soon as plumes are plucked males senses edorphin rush releasing themselves from female, allowing them to move on to next bird with head turned.
Pandora Bellamy signing off.
KISs
...have a penis the same size as their body which means they need a female the same size as their penis. And what happens if that lil ole weener don't fit? The female gnaws the end off. Nice.
Anglerfish...
....lazy ass sea leeches, as soon as they are done with the party lifestyle their digestive systems shut down which means they can no longer feed themselves. A lightbulb goes 'ting!'and they head off to find the nearest daft female. They then bite said female, releasing an enzyme that bonds their flesh together..FOREVER!! He then proceeds to shoot a dose of love stuff to keep the females eggo everlastingly preggo.
Men...
...are known to latch on to nearest female with a protruding chest and feathered plumes. As soon as plumes are plucked males senses edorphin rush releasing themselves from female, allowing them to move on to next bird with head turned.
Pandora Bellamy signing off.
KISs
Monday, 30 March 2009
Bloody Good Weekend Old Chap!
Now, I've had interesting weekends before, but this last one had to top them all...it involved Silver Mercedes cocktails, engagements, birthday parties, 4 in a bed sleepovers, men who look like lumberjacks, friends pulling the guy they've fancied for months, business ventures all go, scrambled eggs, pubs full of people singing along to Queen Songs, old men's bars, karaoke, derren brown and kidnapping strange people off the street whilst their friends walked 2 feet in front of them, then not returning them til 24 hours later. To top it all off I feel fresh as a daisy today because my body thinks its getting away from work an hour earlier - THANK YOU daylight savings.
Oh and there is also the fact a well-known premier league footballer has asked me to be his dominatrix...no I'm not qualified in the slightest and no I won't tell who he is but look out for any of our nations finest sporting a Pandora Rox tattoo on his bum ;)
I couldn't make this stuff up.
Lx
Tuesday, 17 March 2009
Newsflash!
Am about to get some tasters of Kiss me Deadly's new season stuff, working my boys hard on getting the website up and running to showcase all these priddy things as they should be but as always you can contact me through my blog or even http://profile.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=user.viewprofile&friendid=71176544.
I'll even give you advice on what styles would best suit your body shape, what accessories you should opt for on an evening in and what to wear them with on an evening out.
Go on treat yourself ;)
LPx
Monday, 16 March 2009
My twin!!!!
...okay she has the same blog name but you don't need to be Agatha Christie to see thats where the similarities end go check her out. http://girlwithredlipstick.com/
Virgin Pina-Colada drinking church goer that makes her own mayonnaise, she is like me....but nicer ;)
Virgin Pina-Colada drinking church goer that makes her own mayonnaise, she is like me....but nicer ;)
Sunday, 15 March 2009
I cheated...........
I'd like to make it clear before I begin that this blog is being written under different conditions to my previous attempts at narrative, mainly due to the fact that I know that someone is patiently waiting for me to click on the 'Publish Post' button so they can eagerly peruse my summary of our little adventure in Edinburgh on Saturday. This obviously puts me in a tight spot because while I wish to be honest I feel that there may be some generalisations, bits taken out and far less attention to detail than previous posts so bear with, I will try to stay true to the story as I possibly can without corrupting any innocent minds or ruining any reputations ;)
If you have been a regular follower of my blog you will have noticed that I am very up front about what goes on my life, almost to the point of bluntness. A recurring theme throughout is the 'dating' thing.
I have always been a great advocate of spending time getting to know yourself before settling down with anyone because I have witnessed so many people mould themselves into what their partners want them to be, hell I've done it myself before so when I say I date lots I'm not saying 'see one guy them send him packing' I actually mean try keep things as light-hearted and easy as possible, take risks, meet people you wouldn't normally meet then let things follow their natural progression...which is how I ended up getting a lap dance from a nubile young woman in a strip club in Edinburgh whilst my date for the evening looked on.
Some of you I know will not be shocked by this, just the other evening my friends and I - whilst thoroughly out of our trees I might add - rather confidently compared ourselves to the Sex and the City girls, when I asked what one I was they all said 'Samantha' immediately. Whilst happy that I wasn't the Miranda of the group I was still very headily shocked by how I am sometimes perceived but saying that... I knew that if I tried to argue my innocence there would have been plenty of evidence to the contrary so hey ho 'what's a girl to do'. (Good Bat fot Lashes song, You Tube it).
So...Edinburgh. My day began with one of those hangovers that make you want to stick pins in your eyes to make the head bleed feel better in comparison, I was out with the 'Lovely Ladies' in Tusk the evening before and I believe shots were inhaled half hourly. Not only that but not surprisingly my activities during the week had caused a great big ole planet of a spot smack bang in the middle of my forehead, I swear this beauty had it's own solar system so, armed with alcohol fuelled bravery and a pair of blunt scissors I proceeded to hack at my fringe to see if I could do a cover up job, this done I managed to get my self into some kind of presentable state, think Im doing great time wise when I turn up for 11.45 train at Queen Street Station only to be confronted withhundreds upon thousands of kilted young men and women going to the rugby.For schizz...
Tears welled as I stood for more than 45 minutes in North Hanover Street car park watching the queue slowly dissipate, my shoes were not meant for actual physical walking so if you can imagine how I looked on my arrival in Edinburgh : bloodshot eyes and dry skin from prevoius nights activities, squinty fringe covering boil on my head, damp matted hair from standing in the Glasgow drizzle for nearly an hour, limping from crap shoes and thread hanging from skirt where button had popped off in taxi. While I can imagione you all positively salivating at this image, I would not be surprised if half of you wondered why I didn not just go home, ensconce myself in my duvet and just give up on the day, but giving up is not my motto, although who knows what the hell my motto is??? 'Live fast.... die young...(of Liver Failure)'
My escort for the day was a handsome young RAF Corporal (reminder to everyone he will be reading this ;) let's for talking sake call him *Matthew, with a penchant for air-guitaring along to You Tube snippets and, as I discovered later, highly recommendable photography skills. After doing his best impression of the Stig on Edinburgh's roads we ended up back at his bachelor pad and proceeded to drink, play guitar and sing the day away. From here I will take the time to point out a new talent courtesy of *Matthew - Brandi Carlile - I have no doubt I will be mentioning her in future so to really get a feel for how amazing she is go check her out on Later with Jools Holland http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2mF9XAs5Dmo, My Space her, Facebook her, do whatever you can to immerse yourself in all thing Brandi because her talent is all omni-impotent and all knowing and I am always right.
After being treated to some in house live music from *Matthew we headed out into Edinburgh town to The Picture House on Lothian Road to see some up and coming bands http://www.mamagroup.co.uk/picturehouse/, it wasn't packed but still a great venue that the likes of Pete Doherty and the Doves are due to play at over the coming weeks.
Something I noticed as the evening wore on...a night in Edinburgh just feels different, I know I won't bump into anyone I know, I won't automatically end up at the usual places I frequent and despite my earlier grief with the rugby crowd the night was fuelled with an energy, excitement and expectancy unlike anything I've ever experienced before. As that infamous Flight of the Conchords song Business Times goes 'conditions were perfect'.
So mix excitement, fear, sexual tension and expectancy and what do you get? A foray into teh local lap-dancing club that's what you get. I do actually believe there were two but I'll be honest when I say one pair of boobiess is the same as the next with me and when you have a pair like mine anything less than a handful is a blister. Now don't get me wrong, there is something incredibly sexy about having someone nakedly writhing on your lap while your beau of the mo looks on, I see the sexual potential but being the literal person I am I couldn't help but notice the almost robotic-like movements, the 'been here before' faces and fake flirting that made me cringe a little. The girl worked hard for her money, much credit to her but from one woman to another - who has faked many a thing in her time - sometimes making theme 'believe' has far more benefits to it than you can ever imagine. I guess this is where the Burlesque in me comes out, adding a little fun, a kinky little strip and teasing to the mix is surely far better than just stripping off and thrusting the bust! No? Am I being female here? Well that was my summary but am sure *Matthew has his tuppence to put in, will divulge his contribution at a later date.
So I think this is where my movements throughout the evening should be more or less papered over, sealed, possibly divulged to the girls over Manhattens? who knows? but this isnt THAT kind of blog and am sure you will all have your own opinions and ideas of the rest of the nights activities. A step for a hint though is I have already got the title for a future blog together using my time in Edinburgh as a guide 'At what point does a girl stop being a lady?' What do you think?
To summarise though great time had, I am most definitely going to be making the effort to see more of Edinburgh in future, sorry Glasgow I love you but I think I'm going to have to swap you for an older version....x
P.S Many thanks to *Matthew for being my tour guide for the day, very dedicated young man. xx
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