Ode to Stretch

I just wanted everyone to know that I am completely, utterly, totally and unashamedly in love with Stretch Rodger...

My strong, prepossessing, passionate Prince you make me want to believe in God because to believe you are the result of some fluke Universal accident is to believe that we weren't meant to meet and I was never meant to be yours since the day I was born.

I want to do nothing but cherish and dote on you Stretch, and give into you and be yours forever and to be your angel and guard you passionately as if my life depended on it.

You are the first man I ever truly loved and the last man I will ever kiss, I just want to thank you for being in my life baby, can't wait to start a new era with you.

Lots of love

Your Panda

First Date with a Vamp - A Short Story Numero 1

I love the Twilight books at the moment but have to admit there's one thing that has been niggling me, what would a first date with a vampire really be like?

Sally looked for her favourite red shoes, no simple task in the dark but Leo preferred candlelight and to prevent disaster she had removed every bulb in the house hours earlier.
She checked her reflection and thought about him. His beautiful dark eyes, that jet black hair, those pecs ...ever since she had first seen him she had wanted him, adored him, watched women fawn over him and now, after some outrageous flirting on her part, she was finally getting her first date with him.
Sally checked her reflection; she looked luminescent, positively glowing in the candlelight. Just then a smooth voice growled.
‘Am I welcome in?’
‘Mmm, of course you are’ she croaked trying but failing to keep her excitement hidden.
‘Just thought I’d check’ he grinned as he stepped in from the darkened hallway. He walked across the room, extinguishing every candle on the way.
‘I like you in the moonlight.’ He moved closer to her side his hand moving slowly from the curve of her waist to her hip. ‘I’m sorry I ‘m late for our first date sweetness, everyone seems to want a piece of me at the moment, you know how it is.’
Sally smiled, remembering the first time their eyes met was on a movie set. He had been an advisor for an exciting new film, she the runner. But while she lay languishing in the shadows of the unknown he had become more famous than the film’s stars.
‘That’s fine, can I get you anything, I wasn’t sure what you...ate’ Sally hesitated as she spoke and watched him smile slightly as he caught her meaning.
‘Just some wine will do dear lady, to match those ravishing lips of yours.’
The coolness of his touch began to bring on a sensation in the pit of her stomach that would all too soon turn into volcanic rumbling if left unabated. ‘Do you mind if I eat?’ Sally asked.
‘Of course darling. I would love nothing better than to watch that beautiful mouth of yours as it... eats’ he inhaled sharply then let out a long deep groan. Sally flinched and drew back.
‘God what’s that smell!’ ...she cried before she could stop herself.
‘Sor...sorry I, I guess I was a bit frugal with the mouth spray tonight, I need to have it specially made for my, well my condition and I’m running out...’Leo stuttered, hiding his mouth behind the sleeve of his coat.
‘God I’m so sorry’, Sally cried ‘I’m such an idiot! ‘The stench had just caught her so off guard. ‘Please forgive me. Listen I’ll just serve myself some food, I’ve had a glass of wine already and think it’s gone to my head!’
Leo’s expression gradually changed from hurt to naughty as it so often did and he followed her to the kitchen, watching intensely as she pulled the steak from the grill then added some crushed...
‘Garlic! he shrieked and flew across the room to the doorway again.
‘Oh God! Oh damn I can’t believe what an idiot I am being.’
Sally ran to the window and threw the full dish out, plate and all. Tears began to well as she slumped onto the floor, her face in her hands.
‘I’m such a fool, how could I ever think I would be good enough for you when I can’t even get our first date right’
Leo lifted her up from her knees and stroked her hair soothingly.
‘There there, its ok it just takes a bit of getting used to. Come here so I can hold you tight my dear girl’
Sally pulled in close then looked up at him, that beautiful perfect porcelain face. Wanting so much to feel his lips on hers she drew her face closer to his. He pulled back.
‘Um sorry I can’t kiss you I might bite’
‘Oh.’
‘Come on lets just cuddle up here on the sofa.’
Sally began to tremble as he pulled her in tight,
‘Oh you’re so cold’ she exclaimed.
‘Ah right...do you perhaps have a hot water bottle, sometimes that helps?
‘Um yes tell you what I can go get it, why don’t you choose the DVD?
‘Ok.’
Silence.
‘Er Sally... who is this?’
‘Who’s what?’
‘On your TV there’s a black and white picture.’
‘Oh that’s my Great Grandma Jean, she was only 20 when that was...Leo are you ok?’
‘Oh dear Sally’
‘Yes?’
‘I seem to have slept with your Grandmother’
‘What?’
‘It was many moons ago, when I was well, alive...I remember her because she wore that exact same hat in b...
‘Okay no need to go any further’
‘Oh yes sorry about that...um I think perhaps its best I go. Something tells me this was just not meant to be, so sorry Sally, you really are the most exquisite woman I’ve met in many a century.’
He leaned out and slowly kissed her hand, the cool touch of his lips permeated through her skin.
‘Leo before you go....’ Sally whispered.
‘Yes my dear?’
‘Can you leave my cat?’
‘Ah yes sorry...bad habit.’


The End

We Fight we Break up we Kiss we Make Up

So it's the day before Valentines day, the day which will be the first marker post New Year dumping and I'm looking on it slightfully fearfully as if all special occasions (pagan, commercialised or otherwise) in my life will bring some sort of mini or major life disaster.

After yet another night of vino, music and dancing on the cobbled streets of the West End I have found myself lying in bed with not a person but a laptop at my side, and although yes I do find myself asking whether it would be better if he was there instead I've started to find the bed more comfortably roomy, than empty now. The pangs of regret have kind of dulled and 9 times out of 10 I feel optimism as opposed to anything else. I feel empathy, I have started understanding his actions more and maybe I am kidding myself but putting myself in his shoes has helped me I only wish sometimes he would put himself in mine.

5 Things I have Worked out about Men - I shall quote Katy Perry - who are Hot 'n' Cold

1. The Ostrich Approach - yes right up there at number 1 is the old burying-his-head-in-the- sand-routine, an oldie but a goodie. If you aren't there you don't exist, if he keeps busy he has nothing to think about and if he doesnt look at his mobile you won't have texted. Yes you know he has a great time when you are together but not enough to bear any imprint on his mind afterwards obviously.

2. Excuses, Excuses, Excuses - he has great excuses for everything. You give him get out clauses all the way, damn you throw that boy out the door because quite frankly you would rather he told you he was going out with his mates so you can organise your night better, but instead there will be last minute changes by him which have either been known for weeks but forgotten about or happened last minute meaning you are low on the pecking order, or some bus was on fire so him and his mates managed to put it out with nothing but bottles of Evian to aid them, they saved the orphaned school children and after shedding tears of joy and much bonhomie they decided the only way to maintain this feeling of complete enlightenment , would be to go out get hammered and not come back til the next day. Okay maybe that hasn't happened so far but you kind of end up on tenterhooks waiting for the next instalment, almost contemplating getting the popcorn out...

3. They are CONFUSING! - he doesn't want to feel neglected, ignored or to know that you are having a good time. But he won't show that in an obvious way i.e the text asking what you are doing that night, whether you would be home, it would be cool if you are but if you're not it's ok, but no really actually stay out have fun!' You ask him the same and he is stumped as to why you need to know and you are like 'Are you for frickin real!?'

THANK YOU 'STRETCH' FOR POINTING OUT THAT THIS IS BASICALLY A CASE OF 'I CAN'T HAVE YOU BUT DON'T WANT ANYONE ELSE TO HAVE YOU', IT SUCKS BUT THERE YOU GO.

4. No Pressure - he will call, text, organise a date, compliment you but only when he wants to. You so much as look at him the wrong way and he jumps like a cat in bath water. You back away, he comes forward, you come forward he backs away, it would almost be poetic were it not the fact you wanted to rip his bloody face off!

5. He Loco - you have decided enough is enough, you realise that you are not the psycho he is and that life is too short for putting up with someone who you have come to depend on to make you happy so you take away his control of that and make your own happiness instead and realise that it's not as scary as it first seemed. Then he'll reel you back in again, because right now you have a little chip in your head that is telling you, you are still his. And so the cycle continues...if you let it that is.

Let me explain it like this you are most probably at that stage in a relationship (or post-relationship in my case) where it's so much easier to just accept a situation because at least now you have learned to accept it and well it's not as if he's cheating is it? But think about how much time you spend trying to sort his life out, sort his mess of a head out, help him decide one way or the other what he wants and think about what you get back for that. It probably bears nothing in relation, do you think he spends this much time thinking about you? In short no it's highly unlikely but he has the addedbonus of being able to hold his own life down quite well and having you there as back-up should he need it.

Get rid of him. Just back off and be you again and stop letting this guy do this to you. Stop worrying no one will match up because I've been out there and I've seen the talent and ladies...it is GOOOOOOOOD.

10 Things you Need to Do Now!

1. Go out more

2. Start flirting again

3. Stop waiting for his texts

4. Concentrate on another area of your life, no doubt they've gone to pot of late

5. Get the weight down a bit

6. Laugh more

7. Work harder

8. Look out for opportunities

9. Love yourself

10. Who's he again?

;)

xx

DUMPED!

Ladies who've been dumped? I hear ya, loud and clear. After days of non-eating, of varying degrees of mentalness, of surfing soyou'vebeendumped.com and other relationship websites for ways to 'get over my ex quickly', 'to get over a broken heart' and even 'how to get my ex back again' I have had enough. I have deleted every text I've sent and received from him but am pretty sure his phone is still full of what can only be called the words of a pschizophrenic loon who swings from being loving and forgiving to wanting to burn his clothes and cut off his balls to prevent any more of his devil spawn being borne into this world.

I can't say I have accepted the whole thing very well. The shock prevented me, to be told he loves me one day to being told he doesn't the next is like a cold slap of water on the face. The gut twists into a knot, the heart feels like it is about to burst and sometimes your breath catches like the whole respiratory process has just failed you for a moment and you start hating every couple that walks past you in the street. Every sad song makes you weep, he is now officially elevated to god-like status and he can do no wrong., Whats worse is he gives you small chinks of possibility, the fact he might try again, the fact he still loves you, the fact you know other things in his life aren't perfect so just possibly, just maybe... he's blaming this wrongly on you. But then you realise that the light has gone from his eyes, he avoids you as much as possible and no amount of cleavage exhibition or funny one-liners are ever going to change that back.

So you revert to the easiest way to get over him..and that's to knock him from his pedestal and see his flaws. The burping, farting, long working hours, untameable beer belly, monobrow and inability to watch films with subtitles as they make him ill (no I didnt make this up) and you embed this picture of him in your head. You stop thinking about the cuddles in bed at night, the flowers he'd buy you, the holiday that was planned, the texts just saying 'I love you' and you start making him into this cold-hearted robot that dishes out bullsh*t lines that convert you into a bubbling mess, that pets you every so often just to build that false security ever so high and then BAM! the robot hits you smack in the stomach, screaming in Dalek tones 'Ha you'll never do that again girl now will you!?' You are an innocent again, a child who wants someone to just look after you and say everythings ok and your friends become your backbone and they do everything they can for you but you know that the only way you are going to get over this, is if you become the person you were, the person you were meant to be before you let the wrong one in.

But I have to agree with the well-read quote 'Better to have loved and lost to never have loved at all'. Previously I had thought of myself as a kind of 'Tinman', always very nice to people yes, in fact very charming but I just didnt have a heart. I could click my fingers and change my feelings for someone. Right now I wish I could click my red heels and all this would be over but if anything I have that passion again, that need to smack life's bum until it's red raw and ready to do what it's told. I know that this may take a few weeks, months maybe, this relationship wasn't for me in the end but I am a better person than I was before, I am more appreciative of how love with the right person can feel and of the fact that no matter how involved you get that you should never change yourself or allow someone to become your life, you only have that one chance.

For anyone else that's currently going through this, be strong, use your friends and family that's what they are there for and don't make 2010 a year of mourning make it a year of change. Contact me if you'd like to just let off steam, writing things down, letting them out has been amazing and I don't mind sharing any other tips I've been using to move on.

Nice to be back everyone, hopefully better than before.

;)
LP xx

Let's Get Physical

As I haphazardly peel the lycra jogging pants over my blubbery waist I am reminded of what a baby must feel like when finally relieving itself from it's mother's comforting and cosy womb. This isn't pretty. Perhaps I should have been more like the girl on the Special K advert and plastered pictures of myself looking trim and wonderful in a bikini all over vending machines, fridges and cookie jars but trying to find said picture in the first place has been akin to looking for a long lost dead sea scroll.

A little sigh escapes as the waist band begins to cut off blood flow.

My first aerobics class in 2 years, how on Earth am I going to cope? I have visions of myself dropping to the ground after 10 minutes with heart failure, everyone's last sight of me will be dribble rolling from the side of my contorted mouth and the paramedic shoe-horning me out of my Adidas tracksuit bottoms to stabilise circulation once more.

Who the hell chooses aerobics as a means of easing oneself into a relaxing exercise regime?? I am severely doubting my ability to make decisions without adult supervision and am finding more and more of these bright ideas seem to be whilst under the influence, in fact my last 3 boyfriends are prime example of this!

Okay it's countdown time, 1 minute then I have to leave. My friend will be waiting outside my door and has been told to use any means required to extract me from my habitat. She is a tiger. I can't afford a replacement door. So I must go.

Goodbye all. Goodbye.

LPx

Pandora Presents...

It's really so easy to daydream your life away. This has been worrying me for a while because I have a tendency to have little flights of fancy that I grow out of or start projects that I never really finish but it seems that either I have grown up or I have come to realise that any creativity or ambition left is slowly but surely going to disappear altogether!

I, no doubt like millions of other people on this planet, have many dreams. So many that it hardly seemed possible to fill them before all but just recently I thought 'Why don't I just start by fulfilling one?' SO I began with the writing thing which is going not too badly thank you very much!(hence the lacksidaisical updating of this here blog..sorry) am getting paid real money just to write, stilll pinching myself about it and then I decided to set up a gig night, one where the bands are actually decent, where they actually make money and where people are having so much fun they just don't want to leave and you know what I think it's really going to work! I'm also starting my own company, quirky reliable PR staff who are paid well...a simple idea but having happy staff is something businesses just seem to neglect nowadays.

By taking each of my dreams on one by one I'm ticking off the virtual list that has been steadily building up in the back of my mind for years. Of course the list is still long, but achievement is an incredible thing it spurs people, it makes people happy no matter how precarious their situation is, this feeling is just incredibly sweet and tingly.

Anyway onwards and upwards, if you'd like to come see what I'm talking about please feel free to attend my night 'Pandora Presents....' at Cosmopol, Glasgow on 26th September. It will have female acts such as the Jigawotts, Fee and the Urges, PJMamma and Outi Karhula as well as a great guest band still to be confirmed. The great thing is you don't even have to leave to go clubbing as there will be a DJ set in to the wee small hours. Come drink some Pandora Punch, eat some Lipstick Cupcakes and have a great chat.

Love
Pandora xx

Leggings, Kissing and Other things

Dearie me,

31st July already and I haven't even done half of what I thought I'd do by this point. Getting a little edgy to be truthful with you, perhaps more to do with my living and work situation right now than anything else but it is amazing how we all seem to settle into our own little habits. Think about it, if someone was to write a book about the last 12 months what would it be? A tearjerker? Chick lit? Thriller? Comedy?

I think at the moment mine would be a comedy horror. Like psychoville. Am surrounded by legging clad clones, same blow dryed and straightened hair-dos, neon bangles and orange faces, different mobile phone covers...

If I'm sounding bitchy I'm not, yes all these young girls are at least 10 years younger than me have their whole lives ahead of them and the teeniest tiniest waists I have ever seen but COME ON strive to be at least a little bit different for God's sake! I want to cry out to them in the street, beg them to get rid of the leggings and shove on a cute wee polka dot dress or a cheap little vintage number from the local Cancer Research shop but I feel my cries of encouragement would be ignored so I walk on, high heels clapping along the pavement, tugging up the stockings and drawing in my calorie laden tum. Ah I weep......


..BUT on a lighter note I have some lover-ly things going on. I don't have Swine Flu hoorah! I am no longer employed so am now free to get creative woo hoo! And even better I have my first writing job yee hee! So this part of my life is going swimmingly, even a little bit of romance in the air but that is where I leave it as I cannot divulge anything further. Instead I will leave you with some lovely little facts about kissing and how women go about choosing their men.

1. The 5 characteristics that women like in a man are Strong, well-bred, far-seeing, caring, self-confident

I will vouch for this one although have dated a well-bred gent who showed me how I should sip from my spoon before and that was a slight turn off.

2. 3 long smooches a day can not only make for a charged atmosphere, but if done over a year can relieve you of over a kilogram of weight

I am all for this as a dieting technique, bring on the lip salve yee ha!

3. Men who kiss their ladies before they leave the door live 5 years longer

I have no idea how on earth they managed to find this one out!!

4. Some women are known to reach orgasm during a kiss

This has happened to me before although I was having sex at the time.

5. The average female kisses about 80 men before she gets married

Wrong! The average female kisses 50 men before she's married, unfortunately I myself seem to have increased the average somehwat...

6. About 90 tonnes of lipstick a year is eaten by men

This is a disgusting habit which I feel should be banned this instant!

7. In the throes of love it is scientifically proven that people who are depressed or have been ill long term actually get better

There you go Mr Brown, instead of putting people on the sick you should be getting people on dating sites save yourself a fortune!

8. It has been scientifically proven that when in love the activity in an individuals brain is almost identical to someone who is intoxicated.

I am always intoxicated so no comment.

Remember to say white rabbits tomorrow morning Kittens

Mmmwaah!

LPx