As I haphazardly peel the lycra jogging pants over my blubbery waist I am reminded of what a baby must feel like when finally relieving itself from it's mother's comforting and cosy womb. This isn't pretty. Perhaps I should have been more like the girl on the Special K advert and plastered pictures of myself looking trim and wonderful in a bikini all over vending machines, fridges and cookie jars but trying to find said picture in the first place has been akin to looking for a long lost dead sea scroll.
A little sigh escapes as the waist band begins to cut off blood flow.
My first aerobics class in 2 years, how on Earth am I going to cope? I have visions of myself dropping to the ground after 10 minutes with heart failure, everyone's last sight of me will be dribble rolling from the side of my contorted mouth and the paramedic shoe-horning me out of my Adidas tracksuit bottoms to stabilise circulation once more.
Who the hell chooses aerobics as a means of easing oneself into a relaxing exercise regime?? I am severely doubting my ability to make decisions without adult supervision and am finding more and more of these bright ideas seem to be whilst under the influence, in fact my last 3 boyfriends are prime example of this!
Okay it's countdown time, 1 minute then I have to leave. My friend will be waiting outside my door and has been told to use any means required to extract me from my habitat. She is a tiger. I can't afford a replacement door. So I must go.
Goodbye all. Goodbye.
LPx
Wednesday, 16 September 2009
Sunday, 6 September 2009
Pandora Presents...
It's really so easy to daydream your life away. This has been worrying me for a while because I have a tendency to have little flights of fancy that I grow out of or start projects that I never really finish but it seems that either I have grown up or I have come to realise that any creativity or ambition left is slowly but surely going to disappear altogether!
I, no doubt like millions of other people on this planet, have many dreams. So many that it hardly seemed possible to fill them before all but just recently I thought 'Why don't I just start by fulfilling one?' SO I began with the writing thing which is going not too badly thank you very much!(hence the lacksidaisical updating of this here blog..sorry) am getting paid real money just to write, stilll pinching myself about it and then I decided to set up a gig night, one where the bands are actually decent, where they actually make money and where people are having so much fun they just don't want to leave and you know what I think it's really going to work! I'm also starting my own company, quirky reliable PR staff who are paid well...a simple idea but having happy staff is something businesses just seem to neglect nowadays.
By taking each of my dreams on one by one I'm ticking off the virtual list that has been steadily building up in the back of my mind for years. Of course the list is still long, but achievement is an incredible thing it spurs people, it makes people happy no matter how precarious their situation is, this feeling is just incredibly sweet and tingly.
Anyway onwards and upwards, if you'd like to come see what I'm talking about please feel free to attend my night 'Pandora Presents....' at Cosmopol, Glasgow on 26th September. It will have female acts such as the Jigawotts, Fee and the Urges, PJMamma and Outi Karhula as well as a great guest band still to be confirmed. The great thing is you don't even have to leave to go clubbing as there will be a DJ set in to the wee small hours. Come drink some Pandora Punch, eat some Lipstick Cupcakes and have a great chat.
Love
Pandora xx
I, no doubt like millions of other people on this planet, have many dreams. So many that it hardly seemed possible to fill them before all but just recently I thought 'Why don't I just start by fulfilling one?' SO I began with the writing thing which is going not too badly thank you very much!(hence the lacksidaisical updating of this here blog..sorry) am getting paid real money just to write, stilll pinching myself about it and then I decided to set up a gig night, one where the bands are actually decent, where they actually make money and where people are having so much fun they just don't want to leave and you know what I think it's really going to work! I'm also starting my own company, quirky reliable PR staff who are paid well...a simple idea but having happy staff is something businesses just seem to neglect nowadays.
By taking each of my dreams on one by one I'm ticking off the virtual list that has been steadily building up in the back of my mind for years. Of course the list is still long, but achievement is an incredible thing it spurs people, it makes people happy no matter how precarious their situation is, this feeling is just incredibly sweet and tingly.
Anyway onwards and upwards, if you'd like to come see what I'm talking about please feel free to attend my night 'Pandora Presents....' at Cosmopol, Glasgow on 26th September. It will have female acts such as the Jigawotts, Fee and the Urges, PJMamma and Outi Karhula as well as a great guest band still to be confirmed. The great thing is you don't even have to leave to go clubbing as there will be a DJ set in to the wee small hours. Come drink some Pandora Punch, eat some Lipstick Cupcakes and have a great chat.
Love
Pandora xx
Friday, 31 July 2009
Leggings, Kissing and Other things
Dearie me,
31st July already and I haven't even done half of what I thought I'd do by this point. Getting a little edgy to be truthful with you, perhaps more to do with my living and work situation right now than anything else but it is amazing how we all seem to settle into our own little habits. Think about it, if someone was to write a book about the last 12 months what would it be? A tearjerker? Chick lit? Thriller? Comedy?
I think at the moment mine would be a comedy horror. Like psychoville. Am surrounded by legging clad clones, same blow dryed and straightened hair-dos, neon bangles and orange faces, different mobile phone covers...
If I'm sounding bitchy I'm not, yes all these young girls are at least 10 years younger than me have their whole lives ahead of them and the teeniest tiniest waists I have ever seen but COME ON strive to be at least a little bit different for God's sake! I want to cry out to them in the street, beg them to get rid of the leggings and shove on a cute wee polka dot dress or a cheap little vintage number from the local Cancer Research shop but I feel my cries of encouragement would be ignored so I walk on, high heels clapping along the pavement, tugging up the stockings and drawing in my calorie laden tum. Ah I weep......
..BUT on a lighter note I have some lover-ly things going on. I don't have Swine Flu hoorah! I am no longer employed so am now free to get creative woo hoo! And even better I have my first writing job yee hee! So this part of my life is going swimmingly, even a little bit of romance in the air but that is where I leave it as I cannot divulge anything further. Instead I will leave you with some lovely little facts about kissing and how women go about choosing their men.
1. The 5 characteristics that women like in a man are Strong, well-bred, far-seeing, caring, self-confident
I will vouch for this one although have dated a well-bred gent who showed me how I should sip from my spoon before and that was a slight turn off.
2. 3 long smooches a day can not only make for a charged atmosphere, but if done over a year can relieve you of over a kilogram of weight
I am all for this as a dieting technique, bring on the lip salve yee ha!
3. Men who kiss their ladies before they leave the door live 5 years longer
I have no idea how on earth they managed to find this one out!!
4. Some women are known to reach orgasm during a kiss
This has happened to me before although I was having sex at the time.
5. The average female kisses about 80 men before she gets married
Wrong! The average female kisses 50 men before she's married, unfortunately I myself seem to have increased the average somehwat...
6. About 90 tonnes of lipstick a year is eaten by men
This is a disgusting habit which I feel should be banned this instant!
7. In the throes of love it is scientifically proven that people who are depressed or have been ill long term actually get better
There you go Mr Brown, instead of putting people on the sick you should be getting people on dating sites save yourself a fortune!
8. It has been scientifically proven that when in love the activity in an individuals brain is almost identical to someone who is intoxicated.
I am always intoxicated so no comment.
Remember to say white rabbits tomorrow morning Kittens
Mmmwaah!
LPx
31st July already and I haven't even done half of what I thought I'd do by this point. Getting a little edgy to be truthful with you, perhaps more to do with my living and work situation right now than anything else but it is amazing how we all seem to settle into our own little habits. Think about it, if someone was to write a book about the last 12 months what would it be? A tearjerker? Chick lit? Thriller? Comedy?
I think at the moment mine would be a comedy horror. Like psychoville. Am surrounded by legging clad clones, same blow dryed and straightened hair-dos, neon bangles and orange faces, different mobile phone covers...
If I'm sounding bitchy I'm not, yes all these young girls are at least 10 years younger than me have their whole lives ahead of them and the teeniest tiniest waists I have ever seen but COME ON strive to be at least a little bit different for God's sake! I want to cry out to them in the street, beg them to get rid of the leggings and shove on a cute wee polka dot dress or a cheap little vintage number from the local Cancer Research shop but I feel my cries of encouragement would be ignored so I walk on, high heels clapping along the pavement, tugging up the stockings and drawing in my calorie laden tum. Ah I weep......
..BUT on a lighter note I have some lover-ly things going on. I don't have Swine Flu hoorah! I am no longer employed so am now free to get creative woo hoo! And even better I have my first writing job yee hee! So this part of my life is going swimmingly, even a little bit of romance in the air but that is where I leave it as I cannot divulge anything further. Instead I will leave you with some lovely little facts about kissing and how women go about choosing their men.
1. The 5 characteristics that women like in a man are Strong, well-bred, far-seeing, caring, self-confident
I will vouch for this one although have dated a well-bred gent who showed me how I should sip from my spoon before and that was a slight turn off.
2. 3 long smooches a day can not only make for a charged atmosphere, but if done over a year can relieve you of over a kilogram of weight
I am all for this as a dieting technique, bring on the lip salve yee ha!
3. Men who kiss their ladies before they leave the door live 5 years longer
I have no idea how on earth they managed to find this one out!!
4. Some women are known to reach orgasm during a kiss
This has happened to me before although I was having sex at the time.
5. The average female kisses about 80 men before she gets married
Wrong! The average female kisses 50 men before she's married, unfortunately I myself seem to have increased the average somehwat...
6. About 90 tonnes of lipstick a year is eaten by men
This is a disgusting habit which I feel should be banned this instant!
7. In the throes of love it is scientifically proven that people who are depressed or have been ill long term actually get better
There you go Mr Brown, instead of putting people on the sick you should be getting people on dating sites save yourself a fortune!
8. It has been scientifically proven that when in love the activity in an individuals brain is almost identical to someone who is intoxicated.
I am always intoxicated so no comment.
Remember to say white rabbits tomorrow morning Kittens
Mmmwaah!
LPx
Tuesday, 9 June 2009
Lily Bollinger Quote on her partiality to champagne, my kind of girl....
"I drink it when I'm happy and when I'm sad.Sometimes I drink it when I'm alone.When I have company I consider it obligatory.I trifle with it if I'm not hungry and I drink it when I am.Otherwise I never touch it, unless I'm thirsty."
Thursday, 14 May 2009
Follow Me Where 'er I Go
I have always wondered what kind of person follows my blog so have decided to add the little 'Followers' Gadget to the right hand side (d'ya see it y'all?). Please feel free to add yourself would be delighted to see all your lovely mugs :)
LPx
LPx
Wednesday, 13 May 2009
OMG did I just do that?????
So far this week I have been sent two texts that weren't originally meant for me, one was an ex telling his new gf a complete and utter untruth about something I said ( retort did follow, I believe said ex was suitably shamed) and another from a guy I went on one date with (a long time ago)to what was obviously a new 'friend', more of which I will tell you later. These reminded me of one of the MANY erroneous text/email situations I have had.
I remember one time a friend and I were having the usual bored email chat in work. Conversation swiftly but inevitably turned to 'The Office Hottie' whom we had both secretly salivated over for years and as always we reverted into various steamy but funny anecdotes about what we would do if we ever got our hands on him (No longer at this particular workplace thank God as am sure I would have been sacked for sexual harrassment by now). I can't really remember what this particular email said but am fairly sure it involved stationary cupboards, blindfolds and fruit! Anyway as I clicked on the send button, I suddenly experienced a moment of complete clarity, as if the right side of my brain had turned itself on just for this one defining moment, a last ditch attempt at saving me from what was surely to come. I moved my cursor to the sent items folder and there to my complete and utter horror I could see I had sent the email about the Hottie TO THE HOTTIE!!!
Even now a trickle of perspiration runs down my face as I remember slowly crouching under my desk to escape seeing the Hottie's reaction. After about 5 minutes of hogging office floor I decided to brave it. If indeed 'The Hottie' was, as I imagined, at that very moment convulsing with pee-inducing laughter I could handle it I would just send a email saying 'it was a joke, just brightening your day, let's change the subject blah de blah ha ha so funny Gad I kill myself sometimes anyway how's your mum, dead? Oh sorry didn't know that....' I had it all planned.
So I perched on my seat all lady-like, pretended to type and twitchingly peered past my monitor to see what the aftermath of this atrocious calamity was...and to my surprise...and complete delight he wasn't there!!!! After a quick think I managed to salvage the situation by hanging around his desk until he got back, told him the basic version of the story about sending him an email instead of someone else and I would be mortified if he read it etc etc and he, being the total gentleman that he is, allowed me to take over his pc and delete every shred of evidence from it! Reputation Saved!
Anyway, can you imagine what it would feel like to send the wrong person a text describing your dirtiest sex habits? Including the size of your member (glad date number 2 didn't go ahead), how 'unclean 'you like the girl to be and the various names you like to be called during the dirty deed? I feel for this guy I really do, especially when he sent a follow up text saying 'Oh my God, no way did I just send that to you!! I am so so so sorry!' Bless him. I am quite obviously not going to name and shame but fella if you ever read this you need to improve your sexy chat technique and do what every other guy does and add a couple of inches.
I remember one time a friend and I were having the usual bored email chat in work. Conversation swiftly but inevitably turned to 'The Office Hottie' whom we had both secretly salivated over for years and as always we reverted into various steamy but funny anecdotes about what we would do if we ever got our hands on him (No longer at this particular workplace thank God as am sure I would have been sacked for sexual harrassment by now). I can't really remember what this particular email said but am fairly sure it involved stationary cupboards, blindfolds and fruit! Anyway as I clicked on the send button, I suddenly experienced a moment of complete clarity, as if the right side of my brain had turned itself on just for this one defining moment, a last ditch attempt at saving me from what was surely to come. I moved my cursor to the sent items folder and there to my complete and utter horror I could see I had sent the email about the Hottie TO THE HOTTIE!!!
Even now a trickle of perspiration runs down my face as I remember slowly crouching under my desk to escape seeing the Hottie's reaction. After about 5 minutes of hogging office floor I decided to brave it. If indeed 'The Hottie' was, as I imagined, at that very moment convulsing with pee-inducing laughter I could handle it I would just send a email saying 'it was a joke, just brightening your day, let's change the subject blah de blah ha ha so funny Gad I kill myself sometimes anyway how's your mum, dead? Oh sorry didn't know that....' I had it all planned.
So I perched on my seat all lady-like, pretended to type and twitchingly peered past my monitor to see what the aftermath of this atrocious calamity was...and to my surprise...and complete delight he wasn't there!!!! After a quick think I managed to salvage the situation by hanging around his desk until he got back, told him the basic version of the story about sending him an email instead of someone else and I would be mortified if he read it etc etc and he, being the total gentleman that he is, allowed me to take over his pc and delete every shred of evidence from it! Reputation Saved!
Anyway, can you imagine what it would feel like to send the wrong person a text describing your dirtiest sex habits? Including the size of your member (glad date number 2 didn't go ahead), how 'unclean 'you like the girl to be and the various names you like to be called during the dirty deed? I feel for this guy I really do, especially when he sent a follow up text saying 'Oh my God, no way did I just send that to you!! I am so so so sorry!' Bless him. I am quite obviously not going to name and shame but fella if you ever read this you need to improve your sexy chat technique and do what every other guy does and add a couple of inches.
Alli...
I am fond of cheating when it comes to dieting, in fact it really gives me a buzz to be able to stick my tongue out at all those dull as dishwater scientists who insist 'eating sensibly and regular exercise will ensure consistent and safe weight loss' blah blah yada yada. I don't want to lose weight over a year I want to lose weight now!!!!
However after spending many many years getting to know myself I am aware of my failings when it comes to my constant efforts at losing weight and that is I don't do 'extreme'. Yes I want to lose weight quickly and I am quite certain about that fact but I don't like the ways in which you need to do this. I didn't do the maple syrup diet because I don't like maple syrup, Cabbage soup made me retch, 5 days on the first stage of Atkins and I started craving vodka and porridge so much I had contemplated blending the 2 together for a drunken power breakfast, 2 days on the smoothie diet and my blender broke...basically every effort I have made to lose a few pounds has sunk without trace, squashed by my disgustingly unnatural lack of willpower.
So....
I have decided to try Alli, as the blurb says 'the only FDA approved over-the-counter weight loss product' which can increase your weight loss by 50%... 50%!!!! Does Alli work? It almost seems too good to be true I know but I am satisfied that the far from glamorous side effects (i.e frequent trips to loo, if you're not near one God help you) dims it's perfection somewhat and therefore makes me less suspicious. Apparently (from a completely unscientific perspective) the pill blocks about 25% of fat in your food from absorbing into your system and instead removes it from your body 'naturally' hence the horror stories of midnight trips for Pampers and the suggestion that you keep a spare change of clothes with you 'just in case'
So far this is my third day and so far so good. No embarrassing disasters on buses but I think that's because I am far too afraid to so much as look at never mind taste anything over the recommended fat grams. That's not how the pill is suppose to work but God darn there's nothing like the threat of pooing your pants to stop you reaching for a Greggs Sausage roll!! So here I am banana in hand, contemplating the number of fat grams in a portion of Chickpea Curry and whether my waist band does indeed feel slightly looser or whether I am in fact unconsciously holding my stomach in and living in my own skinny wee fantasy world. Who knows I but think this is one diet remedy I can stick to... as long as my reputation stays in tact.
LP xx
However after spending many many years getting to know myself I am aware of my failings when it comes to my constant efforts at losing weight and that is I don't do 'extreme'. Yes I want to lose weight quickly and I am quite certain about that fact but I don't like the ways in which you need to do this. I didn't do the maple syrup diet because I don't like maple syrup, Cabbage soup made me retch, 5 days on the first stage of Atkins and I started craving vodka and porridge so much I had contemplated blending the 2 together for a drunken power breakfast, 2 days on the smoothie diet and my blender broke...basically every effort I have made to lose a few pounds has sunk without trace, squashed by my disgustingly unnatural lack of willpower.
So....
I have decided to try Alli, as the blurb says 'the only FDA approved over-the-counter weight loss product' which can increase your weight loss by 50%... 50%!!!! Does Alli work? It almost seems too good to be true I know but I am satisfied that the far from glamorous side effects (i.e frequent trips to loo, if you're not near one God help you) dims it's perfection somewhat and therefore makes me less suspicious. Apparently (from a completely unscientific perspective) the pill blocks about 25% of fat in your food from absorbing into your system and instead removes it from your body 'naturally' hence the horror stories of midnight trips for Pampers and the suggestion that you keep a spare change of clothes with you 'just in case'
So far this is my third day and so far so good. No embarrassing disasters on buses but I think that's because I am far too afraid to so much as look at never mind taste anything over the recommended fat grams. That's not how the pill is suppose to work but God darn there's nothing like the threat of pooing your pants to stop you reaching for a Greggs Sausage roll!! So here I am banana in hand, contemplating the number of fat grams in a portion of Chickpea Curry and whether my waist band does indeed feel slightly looser or whether I am in fact unconsciously holding my stomach in and living in my own skinny wee fantasy world. Who knows I but think this is one diet remedy I can stick to... as long as my reputation stays in tact.
LP xx
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