Follow Me Where 'er I Go

I have always wondered what kind of person follows my blog so have decided to add the little 'Followers' Gadget to the right hand side (d'ya see it y'all?). Please feel free to add yourself would be delighted to see all your lovely mugs :)

LPx

OMG did I just do that?????

So far this week I have been sent two texts that weren't originally meant for me, one was an ex telling his new gf a complete and utter untruth about something I said ( retort did follow, I believe said ex was suitably shamed) and another from a guy I went on one date with (a long time ago)to what was obviously a new 'friend', more of which I will tell you later. These reminded me of one of the MANY erroneous text/email situations I have had.

I remember one time a friend and I were having the usual bored email chat in work. Conversation swiftly but inevitably turned to 'The Office Hottie' whom we had both secretly salivated over for years and as always we reverted into various steamy but funny anecdotes about what we would do if we ever got our hands on him (No longer at this particular workplace thank God as am sure I would have been sacked for sexual harrassment by now). I can't really remember what this particular email said but am fairly sure it involved stationary cupboards, blindfolds and fruit! Anyway as I clicked on the send button, I suddenly experienced a moment of complete clarity, as if the right side of my brain had turned itself on just for this one defining moment, a last ditch attempt at saving me from what was surely to come. I moved my cursor to the sent items folder and there to my complete and utter horror I could see I had sent the email about the Hottie TO THE HOTTIE!!!

Even now a trickle of perspiration runs down my face as I remember slowly crouching under my desk to escape seeing the Hottie's reaction. After about 5 minutes of hogging office floor I decided to brave it. If indeed 'The Hottie' was, as I imagined, at that very moment convulsing with pee-inducing laughter I could handle it I would just send a email saying 'it was a joke, just brightening your day, let's change the subject blah de blah ha ha so funny Gad I kill myself sometimes anyway how's your mum, dead? Oh sorry didn't know that....' I had it all planned.

So I perched on my seat all lady-like, pretended to type and twitchingly peered past my monitor to see what the aftermath of this atrocious calamity was...and to my surprise...and complete delight he wasn't there!!!! After a quick think I managed to salvage the situation by hanging around his desk until he got back, told him the basic version of the story about sending him an email instead of someone else and I would be mortified if he read it etc etc and he, being the total gentleman that he is, allowed me to take over his pc and delete every shred of evidence from it! Reputation Saved!

Anyway, can you imagine what it would feel like to send the wrong person a text describing your dirtiest sex habits? Including the size of your member (glad date number 2 didn't go ahead), how 'unclean 'you like the girl to be and the various names you like to be called during the dirty deed? I feel for this guy I really do, especially when he sent a follow up text saying 'Oh my God, no way did I just send that to you!! I am so so so sorry!' Bless him. I am quite obviously not going to name and shame but fella if you ever read this you need to improve your sexy chat technique and do what every other guy does and add a couple of inches.

Alli...

I am fond of cheating when it comes to dieting, in fact it really gives me a buzz to be able to stick my tongue out at all those dull as dishwater scientists who insist 'eating sensibly and regular exercise will ensure consistent and safe weight loss' blah blah yada yada. I don't want to lose weight over a year I want to lose weight now!!!!

However after spending many many years getting to know myself I am aware of my failings when it comes to my constant efforts at losing weight and that is I don't do 'extreme'. Yes I want to lose weight quickly and I am quite certain about that fact but I don't like the ways in which you need to do this. I didn't do the maple syrup diet because I don't like maple syrup, Cabbage soup made me retch, 5 days on the first stage of Atkins and I started craving vodka and porridge so much I had contemplated blending the 2 together for a drunken power breakfast, 2 days on the smoothie diet and my blender broke...basically every effort I have made to lose a few pounds has sunk without trace, squashed by my disgustingly unnatural lack of willpower.

So....

I have decided to try Alli, as the blurb says 'the only FDA approved over-the-counter weight loss product' which can increase your weight loss by 50%... 50%!!!! Does Alli work? It almost seems too good to be true I know but I am satisfied that the far from glamorous side effects (i.e frequent trips to loo, if you're not near one God help you) dims it's perfection somewhat and therefore makes me less suspicious. Apparently (from a completely unscientific perspective) the pill blocks about 25% of fat in your food from absorbing into your system and instead removes it from your body 'naturally' hence the horror stories of midnight trips for Pampers and the suggestion that you keep a spare change of clothes with you 'just in case'

So far this is my third day and so far so good. No embarrassing disasters on buses but I think that's because I am far too afraid to so much as look at never mind taste anything over the recommended fat grams. That's not how the pill is suppose to work but God darn there's nothing like the threat of pooing your pants to stop you reaching for a Greggs Sausage roll!! So here I am banana in hand, contemplating the number of fat grams in a portion of Chickpea Curry and whether my waist band does indeed feel slightly looser or whether I am in fact unconsciously holding my stomach in and living in my own skinny wee fantasy world. Who knows I but think this is one diet remedy I can stick to... as long as my reputation stays in tact.

LP xx

I think I'm in.....

I think I now know what I've been missing all this time...

The first time eye contact is made, the flush of cheeks, heart beating faster, the realisation that all your life has led to this moment, the anticipation, endless thoughts of the first touch, even more anticipation, dreams at night disrupted at the mere thought of what lies ahead, countdown until the day you are united and then....and then... the shuffle of feet, the knock at the door. You open it. Your brand new ebay purchase has arrived.

Heaven.