Monday 24 November 2008

Freaks, weirdos, creeps and other internet Phenomenon


I had planned to start the scruffs versus suits debate but something else has been bugging me and I just felt the urge to purge this bug onto my blog just to get everyone elses view on things.

Someone once described me as an attention whore. Now this can be interpreted in lots of different ways but my interpretation is that anyone who publicises their lives on the World Wide Web is suffering from a little ADD anyway, and therefore do come across as attention seekers. Had this analogy come from a friend or family member this would have been fine but this came from a complete stranger who had been trying to hook up with me on Facebook (he turned nasty when he realised he wasn't getting any)

Anyway thats not my niggle, I've come to terms with the fact that I do probably rely on the opinions of others more than I should and Attention Whore I am. However. I am perturbed to find that the results of my listing on a flat hunting website have been not dissimilar to the replies to a lonely Hearts ad. After listing my ad 2 days ago I have had 8 phone calls (all from men I might add) 3 of which were apparent wrong numbers 'but how are you today anyway' and 2 were comments on my 'nice pic'. Now can someone tell me why any sane, intelligent man would use a flat hunting website as a method in which to pick up women? What's wrong with these people, why have they got so much time on their hands and why am I so bothered by this?

To be honest I think I'm suffering from lets be friends overkill, maybe life on the Social Networking scene has turned me into a an online hermit who just 'vants to be left alone.' Which is really bad because for every 20 'Just saying hiyas' out there, I do come across decent people who I would give the time of day for and would probably contribute greatly to my life in a roundabout way.

I'm going to offer 5 bits of Social Networking advice to any men out there that fall into the caregory above;

1. If a woman's profile is public then she is open to contact from people she doesnt know - that's fine, but if you read her profile and it expressly says 'I DONT DO WEBCAM, I WONT CHAT ON MSN JUST COS YOU ASK ME TO or I DONT ADD PEOPLE WHO DONT INTRODUCE THEMSELVES then that usually means exactly what it says on the tin. There is nothing more annoying than someone who tries to add you with no reason as to why or with a paltry 'Hi, how are you?', this is mind numbingly boring and even if you are good looking I wouldnt give your profile the time of day

2. Plug yourself - If you are on these networks to meet new people yet your profile is dull as dishwater, says nothing about you and only has a pic of a can of beans on it (which despite what you think isn't cute, funny or cool) then why the hell would someone want to add you????Do you think you are so great that you shouldn't have to sell your self? Maybe you are but am I psychic? Yes maybe I am - I can sometimes tell when my phones going to ring, spooky - but not everyone else is so pull your finger out, spend a couple of hours on bigging yourself up online and Pearl's your auntie!

3. Don't be crude - no matter what you think comments such as 'I want to bite your breast' ' Can I pee on you' and 'I'll buy you underwear if you sleep with me' are rarely the chat up lines that have positive results. You may think these thoughts but doesnt mean you have to say them, try not to in future although the probability is you are rather creepy anyway so no guarantees this will improve your repertoire.

4. Singles Only - Unless you are online for networking or the purpose of meeting platonic friends , if you are married or coupled up and fancy a bit on the side go to 'Iwantabitontheside.com' you will very rarely find females who would be quite happy to fornicate with a guy who's so cheap he needs to cheat on his wife/girlfriend through a free networking site. It's naff it's not nice and you're an a$$hole.

And number 5. Be Original - be cheeky, smart, different, actually read the stuff on my profile don't try to wing it with a cut and paste number that just screams 'I'm desperate for a shag, anybody will do' it just makes my blood curdle that anyone would think I would actually have the time or the energy to reply to you!!

And to hark back to my initial bugbear, don't look for opportunities where there are none, if a girl puts an ad up looking for a flat that's all she is doing, it isn't an under-handed attempt at publicising my phone number for all and sundry to see.

Besides it's there in plain view in the third gentleman's toilet cubicle of the Twisted Wheel, right under the 'I heart Dildos' inscription next to the handle.


Gripe over.

Lx

Monday 17 November 2008

Scruffs versus Suits

New blog coming up discussing the universal debate between women the world over...the scruff or the suit? Answers on a postcard please, my very own opinion to follow suit.

Monday 3 November 2008

Men...metaphorically speaking

I've spent last 3 hours with my head in the books, nae Cosmo, nae TV Guide, no not even the Johnny Depp Scrapbook number under my bed....I'm talking serious Business School stuff and I know I'm really meant to keep within the realms of Publics and Private sectors, and Non-Profit Co-operatives and all that la dee dah nonsense but I couldnt help butnotice how successfully Morgan's Metaphors (on how to describe aspects of business)...can be applied to men.

Let me see............

Machine
- require lubrication from a substance made out of hops and barley on a regular basis, says it helps them relax and stops them becoming stiff, on some occasions however prone to dysfunction and floppiness.

Organism - Your bed becomes a Kim and Aggie special.

Brain
- If not located in trouser department check big toe.

Culture - Some think this is a visit to their local which is over a 100 years old (and smells like it too), some think it's the now extinct cousin of that large winged creature that circles decimated carcasses in the Sahara desert.

Political System - If not Rangers then Celtic, if not Celtic then eeny meeny miny mo or the team with the nicest colour of scarf.

Psychic Prison
- Once you have kids with him you KNOW you're the one stuck in alone on a Friday night, you just KNOW it.

Flux and transformations - once flux happens watch him transform into a pile of blubbering and snoring ridulous-ness while you sleep in the wet patch.

Vehicle of dominance - yes that is what he calls that monster sitting in your driveway, what he doesn't realise is that even if he did add a rear neon chassis, bumper kit and sporty aqua blue steering wheel its still a 10 year old Vauxhall Astra that breaks down at roundabouts with no air con.

Hm....just a thought.

Lx



Sunday 2 November 2008

The adventures of Bear Ghrylls and other bedtime stories

I had a dream about Bear Ghrylls last night. It involved sodding wet clothes, a pile of half-eaten grubs and one claustrophobic but cosy sleeping bag. There's something about a man that can make a 3 course meal out of the contents of a rainforest canopy that gives me nice little feelings in my tummy and the fact he wrestles with river lizards and can catch fish with nothing put a pair of trousers and some tied together jungle vines that just gives me more dream fodder to play with.

This is all gloriously predictable I know, I mean what woman in their right mind wouldn't want to play Jane to Bear's Tarzan? I can imagine it now, me clad in my favourite leopard-print bra and thong set, Bear wearing nothing but a copy of the National Geographic....prrrr... but it had to be said.

Speaking of jungles..I'm rather embarrassed about the state of my habitat this week. I havent seen floor for days due to several week night wardrobe malfunctions that never made it back to the drawer and Wednesday nights remnants of macaroni were still sitting on my Kitchen worktop last night so you can imagine my complete horror on Saturday morning when I had realised I had invited home a house' guest' in a sambuca fuelled moment of madness. Not only do you have last nights make-up smeared across your face, you have last weeks dinner lying across your living room. Not nice...and very not like me but had such a hectic week housework just wasnt priority...anyway excuses aside I suppose I should be happy I still feel shame, thought that emotion had gone a long time ago ;)